Midnight Thoughts

FIRST

So I was just reading a little bit in 'Fangirl' by Rainbow Rowell and realized how much I can identify myself with Cath. I mean, I'm socially awkward. I just can't meet new people... anymore. When I was younger that was a whole different story, but that's for another.

Whenever I stand in front of people I don't know, I blank. I don't say anything really, except for if they ask me a question I'll give them a short answer. Emphasize 'short' here. It's not like I can't think of anything to say anymore, I just overthink everyting for so long, that the time to give an answer has past.

Just the thought of having to go to a party or something, where I know almost noone except for the person inviting me, makes me feel uncomfortable. I would never go there, I've always come up with an excuse not to go in the past. And I don't see anything change in the future at this point. It's sad though, cause who knows, how many nice people I'm missing out on meeting, only because of this fear.

To protect myself from these kinds of situation, I act like I don't care and look pissed, whenever I come into a new class or something. I know, that's gonna hold people back from talking to me and I know, I'drather stay in my little shelf, than being humiliated. To be honest, that's where it all gets back to. My fear of being laughed at or humiliated in front of others. I've had that happen to me in the past and I don't ever want to feel that way ever again, no matter what it'll take to avoid that.

Soo. I know noone as read this story yet, but that's okay, I'm honestly writing this more for myself than anyone else.Just in case someone's ever gonna see this: Thanks, I appreciate it a lot!