Some part of me still believes that maybe he does love me.
But I've come to realize that he doesn't love me, he loves the chase, and when the chase is over, he gets bored.
I broke up with him.
Yet I'm the one crying myself to sleep and reciting all the memories I have of him.
It's ironic really, usually it's the other way around.
But the thing is that I broke up with him because of how much I love him. It's really fucked up and stupid but it's true.
My sister knew I liked him before I even knew. She pushed me to get to know him, to talk to him and eventually, date him.
My brother found out about him, 4 months after he (my brother) started working at the same place as all of us. He didn't tell my mom like I expected him to, he kept it to himself and didn't even tell ME that he knew. But I knew he knew, he made sure I knew without telling me straight up.
I remember I started getting jealous. You were getting really close with Jay's ex-girlfriend and I didn't like her, especially knowing she slept with practically every guy she talked to.
She liked you, or at least wanted to fuck you. You never noticed it, and it made me so angry but I never said anything to you, I kept it to myself.
I remember at one point I was so angry with you, with her and myself, that I ignored you for a whole day, you would try to touch me like you usually would and when I ignored you, you did too. You didn't know why I was ignoring you, and I never did tell you why, but you forgave me the next day.
I guess that's when things first started going downhill. I remember I used to get jealous by the way you talked to one of the other women at work, she's pretty, has a nice ass and a thin waist, she's short and pretty all around, she has a son, who must be around 10 years old at least seeing how she calls his cell phone on a daily basis when she's in the locker room. But the way you looked at her, it will always make my stomach churn. I never told you that either. It's funny though because the one that broke me was when you posted a picture, two girls commented under it, one was you're best friend, you've told me about her before, she's beautiful but I've never really felt all that threatened by her. Then there was the next comment, I didn't know who she was, you never mentioned her before but there she was commenting on you're most recent picture "daddy 😍"
It's dumb for me to get so angry over that I know, but what pissed me off was the fact that you commented back saying "my love ❤️" and she responded "mine ❤️"
I remember I tried not to jump to conclusions at first, I followed her. And as I scrolled through her pictures, I noticed that under one of her photos, it was so damn obvious you had a thing with her that, it pissed me off.
I understand you had other women, that you had flings here and there, I get that it's in the past. But when an ex comments something like that under your picture while you have a girlfriend you don't respond back.
You just don't, either you delete it or you ignore it.
But I didn't tell you how I felt about that either. I just broke up with you.
I didn't tell you that was one of the reasons why. I told you every single reason except that one. I told you how I was tired of having to hide this relationship from my parents. Because I did ask you to meet them and you said you weren't in the best conditions to meet them, you repeated something I said a long time ago to you, that if you got another job, I probably wouldn't see you ever again because the truth is that we hadn't seen each other outside of work except those two times we went out with Jay and his girlfriend and with all our other coworkers.
Two times, I'd only seen you outside of work, twice.
And the truth is you barely answered my texts as it was. And I did mention that, once before. And you didn't listen to me.
I remember that at one point, my godmother, who was the lady that practically raised me while parents weren't around when I was little, I'd never lied to her before, but then she called me asking me if I had a boyfriend who was older than me. I lied. I said no because I knew if I told her I would have to tell my parents and you didn't want to meet them.
I remember I did it through text at first, you asked me why and I didn't answer you. It was a Thursday, you didn't work that day. Then it was Friday, and I didn't work, and I still hadn't texted you back. Then it became Saturday. I remember I went to break as usual, outside as usual, and you came outside, tapped my cap and went ahead and smoked, like usual. We didn't say a word to each other. You just smiled and walked away as I felt my heart break more and more. Then it became Sunday, we didn't talk that day but when it became nighttime and you were almost done cleaning, I sat watching you clean, trying to come up with the correct words to say what I thought and felt.
I sat there silently for an hour and a half.
See that's the thing about anxiety, in my mind, I had practiced the words I was going to say to you, hours before I sat down. And then I sat down, and blanked, and continued to try to form some kind of phrase or sentence to explain why it pained me to stay with you.
I remember you got frustrated by the fact that I wasn't saying anything.
You told me that if I was going to say something, I was running out of time and that I had already wasted of an hour of your time.
We went outside and walked for a while and still, for 20 minutes I didn't say anything.
Eventually I said "Look, I've told you things. I've told you things that I haven't even told my best friend because honestly you have become my best friend. And it sucks because I can't keep this going and I can't be your friend either because it hurts me too much."
I told you why I couldn't date you.
And then you asked why we couldn't be friends.
"I can't, I just can't okay." I said with tears forming.
"It'd hurt too much."
"How would you know if you've never even had a boyfriend before?" he asked
"Yeah, I've never had a boyfriend before but sometimes we just know things and plus, I did sort of go through this with Cristian." (name has been changed)
"You're forgetting something though."
"I'm not Cristian, and I know he hurt you in the past but don't punish me for the mistakes he made with you."
"Let's make a deal." you said, "Try to be friends with me." I shook my head but you continued, "Try to be friends with me for 3 months, it's the same deal as before except without all the romantic shit. Just 3 months, please, and if after that you still can't handle it, I'll respect whatever decision you make. But give me 3 months."
I agreed, and you stood in front of me and told me you didn't want to see me cry and as I was about to walk away you stopped me and said, "There's one more thing."
You grabbed me by the chin and looked me straight in my eyes.
"I'm sorry."
I smiled as tears starting running down my face, I shook my head and left, as you continued to call my name, but knew better than to chase after me.
It's been weeks and I still haven't stopped crying yet.
