Therapy

7/5/19 ( This one was painful to write)

I'm tired of feeling lonely. Sad. I'm tired of being here in Miami. All I want with everything in me is to be anywhere but here. I miss the people that I met at CIA more than I thought I would. I would have never thought that they would mean so much to me. I'm tired of being fucking single. I use to complain that I miss sex but now I just miss having someone. I just want someone to hold my hand and calm me down with kisses when I'm being hysterical and hold me when I'm crying. I just want to fall in love again. I'm tired of being strong all the time. It feels like... it feels like- ever since I was little, I've felt like the strong one but in a weird way. I'm always the one that looks like they're keeping they're calm on the outside but inside I'm SCREAMING for a way out. I'm tired of being told what to do. I'm tired of having other people thinking they know what I want for my future but I honestly just want to be fucking happy again. I'm not happy. I'm tired of being unhappy and what sucks is that I really thought I was feeling happy in June and then all this week I just became really sad again. Fuck. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be anywhere but here. In my room. At 4am writing this. I wish I was in a studio apartment in L.A. with a dog named Chester, a six pack of coronas, some taco bell, and that cute girl that I didn't approach but should've when I first saw her. I'm tired of not living for myself. I'm tired of not doing what makes me happy. I'm tired of feeling like my 15 year old self. She wasn't happy for a long time. She often thought that if she just packed up and left that she would make it on her own. She just wanted to get the fuck out of here and not look back. She just wanted to SCREAM at the top of her lungs because of how unhappy she is. She is so miserable that her body feels lifeless even though she wakes up every day and says hello to the world around her. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of being.