Therapy

8/5/19

Everyone keeps asking me what I want. What I want to do and the answer is that I don't care. I just want to be happy. Is that so hard? Why is nothing I do good enough? I just want someone to tell me they're proud of me or that I'm doing enough. I feel so suffocated and like I'm running out of air. I don't know what I even want anymore. I just want to get the fuck out of here. I want to be happy again. In New York I thought I was doing the right thing and it didn't work out because that school was difficult and now I'm back at square one. At home with my parents and I'm dying every day on the inside. I feel like I'm loosing it. I sit home every day on the couch and I can't get a job because I'm still recovering from surgery and I can't go to school till August 26th cuz summer term is full. Also I don't have a car so I can't go anywhere. Fuck man. I hate feeling like this because I feel like doing something stupid and reckless but I know it's not gonna solve my problems. I just want to be happy. I'm so unhappy. And I have awesome friends and an amazing girlfriend who makes my day and a roof over my head and food on the table but all that happiness on the outside doesn't match how I feel on the inside. Fuck I hate being so emotional. I sometimes think I actually do have depression cuz I'm crying myself to sleep more than ever and doubt myself and I also just get really sad all the time cuz I often feel like I'm not enough. Like people would be okay without me. Not saying that I want to kill myself but like if I just packed a bag and left, nothing would change. Everyone would carry on. I can be happy away from them. Away from this house. My dramatic, toxic, negative, unhappy family. Honestly, in my 19 years of being on this planet I have never been as happy as I was when I was in New York. I didn't have to worry about anything except myself. I felt like myself and I honestly haven't felt like myself since April. It's now August. I so badly want to go to therapy cuz I'm pretty sure something is off in my head but my mom's gonna tell me to pray it away or think I'm on drugs. So I resort to music, crying and typing out what I'm feeling like I'm doing now. Once I get the fuck out of this house, I'm gonna get some help. For my friends that call me at 2 am crying about their problems, for my sister cuz she's my favorite person on earth, for my girlfriend cuz that smile is worth living, and myself. I owe it to myself. Alot of my emotional pain that I have was sadly brought on by my parents and I might sound horrible for saying it because they have given me everything I've ever wanted and more but it's true. I've felt so pressured since I was 8 years old to go to school and get an education because it would make me successful in life. And when I bust my ass and am just off by a few margins, I get put down. It's like I can't win. When will I ever be enough?

A/N I dumped my girlfriend 3 weeks after I wrote this lol.