Herine

Prologue

"Are you ready?"

I smiled as a response to my doctor's question. She kept on checking me so often as if I'm her only patient. I'm already okay. Just fine to breathe. I could never really say 'mentally.' That's beyond impossible to guarantee, at least at this very moment.

I started to move my right feet side by side. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ko na ba 'tong nagawa sa loob ng dalawang taon.

When I met Doctor Miller's gaze, both sides of her mouth rose. She shook her head and that's my cue to start.
I let my right foot touch the floor hanggang sa itinapak ko na rin ang kaliwa kong paa. A different kind  of sensation in my whole being evolved. It's like a sense of new life. Like I was born again. . . after being buried into an endless depth.

"Oh, I guess I'm a bit late." We both looked at her direction. She's definitely from an exhausting drive based on the way she breathe. Hindi ko masabi base sa histura niya because she managed to remain in her state of most good appearance, if I may say.

"Nah. You're just in time." I joked. Napailing kaagad ako. Vieve hardly stand for her words. Last week she promised me she won't roll her eyes again dahil daw nahihilo na siya. Pero heto nga't namumuti na naman ang mga mata niya.

Doctor Miller and her talk a little bit They're somewhat close, since the past two years made me dislike talking. When the humor about being buried in the snow mentioned in their conversation, I simply opened the window, by pressing the remote.

They're right. Puro snow na lang ang nakikita ko sa labas. It's Christmas, after all. My parents went back to the Philippines. They wanted me to go home with them pero ayoko pa. Siguro kapag gumraduate na lang ako. Wala rin naman silang choice due to hectic schedule.

I felt guilty as Vieve couldn't stop congratulating me. I barely listen to her. It's not as if I don't care. It's just that, I don't have the guts to even feel it.

Vieve crossed the little space between us to envelope me of her metal cold arms. Halos mawalan pa nga ako ng balance. Oh God, anong nakain nito ngayon? If only her euphoria could do its magic with me. Pero pati ang pag-iyak ay hirap ako.

Now that I'm looking at Vieve, ngayon ko lang ulit naramdaman yung lala ng nangyari sa'kin. The happiness in her eyes... that's the rarest thing that I saw this year. It's my first time to see her overflowing of happiness. Hindi ko alam kung paano ipaliwanag. Gusto kong mahawa kahit sandali lang. If only I could pay for that happiness, I'd sell all my properties.

Umalis si Vieve sa pagkakayakap sa' kin para tingnan ako. Uh no. I'm badly craving for a warm hug from a person who never gets tired of me.

"Ironic, you can walk again but you can't even smile like you used to. Sana pina-therapy mo rin 'yang labi mo." 

There's a pang of pain in her perfect doey eyes. She looks like a lost deer in the city.

"I'm happy... but it would be more nice if he's here with me..."

Natigilan ako nang sa wakas ay masabi ko na ang bagay na matagal ko ring itinanggi sa sarili ko. I conjured a smile but it immediately vanished. I just wanted to genuinely do it but how can I when there's an unwanted feeling tugging in the corners of my mouth?

"It's been two years and he doesn't seem to care."

Napapapikit pa siya habang nakakunot ang noo nang sinabi niya sa'kin 'yon. Alam ko namang masama ang loob niya kay Elion-- my boyfriend... or ex. I can't really tell. Dalawang taon akong hindi nakalakad, pero nagsikap akong mag-theraphy kahit araw-araw din akong nawawalan ng pag-asa.

"Maraming paraan Ellary. Pero bakit ni isa parang wala siyang pinili?"

It stung.
More than it ever did before.