Herine

Chapter 3

HERINE#3

"There's no cure but treatable..." I muttered as I continued to read.

'Prinzmetal's Angina is rare, it is cause by a spasm in the coronary artery which means it can cause the patient to feel a series of chest pain, nor stabbing pain instead of chest pressure, discomfort in the neck, etc.'

I was preoccupied when the Doctor explained Vieve's condition a while ago. Ngayon ko pa lang nagawang mag-research about it. My mind couldn't absorb the fact that she has this illness. Parang nanggaling ako sa isang mahabang byahe. Tapos gulo ang dinatnan ko pag-uwi.

Ang hirap lang kase. Ni hindi ko man lang alam kung kailan nagsimula. Ni hindi ko man lang nahalata na may dinaramdam na pala siya. It felt so surreal. Napabayaan ko si Vieve. I'm not by her side when she started falling apart. There's no word that could define what I'm feeling right now. It is beyond any regretful words. Because I should be the one who's looking after her aside from Ryle.

I reached for her hand and gently caressed it. Natakot akong masaktan siya dahil sa karayom na nakatusok rito.

I want to take care of her at least not out of guilt. It's because she's my sister. Nakakalungkot lang dahil mukhang late ako. Samantalang siya, bilang lang ang mga araw na wala siya sa tabi ko noong bagsak na  bagsak ako.

She has been the glowing half of my soul when I was barely hanging. Kaya kahit paano natatanggal ang lungkot ko. I was too driven to regenerate myself. And I'm not even sure if I was really doing it for myself.

My eyes smoothly landed at the very parts of her face. Her skin is paler. Oh God, she would freak out if she sees herself in the mirror. I bet she's more afraid to know that her cheeks isn't rosy right now. Her full lips is detailed by small chops. It used to be smooth and pinkish. Parang nagpalitan lang kami. I can clearly remember myself lying on the deserted bed ages ago.

I'm afraid I triggered her angina when I brought her to the bar. Kaagad kong pinahid ang takas na luha sa mga mata ko. No, I can't cry. Not again.

"I called her Mom..."

Napatayo ako nang magsalita si Ryle. Sa sobrang takot ko kanina ay nawala na sa isip kong tawagan si tita Drielle.

"What did she say?"

I asked timidly. It must be hard for Tita. Gusto kong mag-sorry sa kanya pero hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya kakausapin.

Ryle broke off although he tried so hard not to. His chinky eyes sunken by tears. I stood up to pat his back. Parang kapatid ko narin siya eh. Since Vieve and I were older than him.

It feels strange doing things like this. Hindi pa rin talaga ako masanay. Before there was just one person I am willing to comfort. But now, Ryle and Vieve needs me. Kaso, parang madadagdagan ko lang ang sama ng loob nila. I don't know if I should give them encouraging words kase kahit ako, hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko nagagawang mag-survive whenever things are getting ugly.

"She wants to bring her to Bhutan. I know it's the best for her health. Maganda kase ang klima doon. Somehow it can lessen the spasms," he trailed off. He covered his face with his trembling hands.

"It pains me by just thinking that she'll going to have her new normal lifestyle... Kase alam mo naman 'diba? Ni hindi nga 'yan makatigil sa bahay niya ng matagal, eh. Gusto niya palaging may ginagawa..."

I wanted to say that adjustments's never been easy. Because it would always take time to muster courage to accept the fact that there are things that will never be the same again. Pero gusto kong siya mismo ang unti-unting tumanggap no'n sa sarili niya.