Admitting things that I don't want to is difficult for me.
So let me begin...
I'm scared;
I'm terrified that I'm going to lose the people I love,
so I push them away before that can happen.
The mentality of 'abandon them before they have the chance to abandon you' is something I find myself living by,
day by day.
I hate myself;
I hate the fact that I feel so intensely or I don't feel anything at all.
When I find myself falling in love with someone,
it happens so hard and so fast that I can't help but try and pull myself away due to fear of rejection.
I can't breathe;
when I speak I fear I might say something wrong,
but I have no brain to mouth filter,
so I hold my breath and hope for the best.
I can't lose anyone else.
I want to die;
but I'm scared of death.
I don't know what's after this,
what if there's nothing?
I'm lead to believe that there's nothing but a black abyss waiting for me on the other side.
No judgement.
No feeling.
Maybe that's something that could be for the best when it comes to my case.
I don't know what to do.
I avoid the unknown;
unlike things that I think I know,
I actively steer clear of things that are foreign to me,
things that I'm anxious might hurt me or deter me from being numb.
That's why I push people away.
I'm self aware;
Livid with the fact that I know these things about myself,
and I try so hard to change them,
but I know that will do me no good.
The next time I get hurt,
intentionally by others or not,
I'm just going to close myself off again.
And I'm terrified of that...
..,I can't let me get me again...
...not ever again.
