𝐈'𝐥𝐥 𝐂𝐫𝐲 𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝

𝑡ℎ𝑟𝑒𝑒

j.l

it'd been a couple of months now. it still hasn't gotten easier. i thought i would've cried less and less now, but i haven't.

i always seem to look back when we're kids. when we started off as the quarrymen. when we were young trouble makers. the memories always had me crying.

i went to go back to liverpool every weekend. yoko didn't like me doing that, but i could care less what she wanted right now. i went to liverpool, so i could see paul. that's when i felt most sane. even though he wasn't there physically, i could still feel him.

i parked my car on the side of the road. i walked across the field of graves. looking at each tombstone, until i found pauls. i put my flowers down and sat right across from him.

"hey macca," i said.

"yoko doesn't like me comin' out here to see ya, but i don't care. this is the only that keeps me sane, paul. talking to you, but not you," i sighed, "our times together... i miss them. i wish i could say bye to you. a proper good-bye." my eyes started to tear up again.

"...i'm sorry. for everything. i should've visited you more often, or let you come visit me. i didn't want that, and i'm sorry. we should've talked to each other more. i hate the way things ended, but i do know that you love me and i love you. i'll always love you, macca, even if i never said it. i just didn't want to sound queer y'know." i chuckled at my last comment.

i looked at the time on my watch, "alright paulie, i've got to get going now. i'll talk to you later." i kissed his tombstone, and headed off.

i went back into my hotel, took my shoes off, and lied down. i was thinking about buying a place in london, so it'd be easier to visit paul's grave and be near everyone again.

then i got a call. i expected it to be yoko, but it wasn't.

"john, hello?" it was cyn.

"cyn..? is that you?" i asked.

"yes, i know this is an inconvenient time, but i was asked to call you."

"bye who?"

"yoko." yoko? why would yoko ask my ex-wife to call me?

"do you know why?"

"i don't know really, but she said you would like to hear a familiar voice right now... whatever that means."

i laughed slightly, "well i mean.. right now it's a bit difficult for me."

"i know john. you just lost your best friend. it's going to be more than just difficult."

i smiled at her words. yoko never really said these kinds of things to me when paul died.

"thank you, cyn."

"yes, anytime. do you want to talk for a bit? maybe about paul?" she suggested.

i didn't even answer, but instead, went straight for a memory, "remember when it was us in the band in the early sixties in the cavern club. your hair was still brown at the time, and you would watch us practice and play?" i smiled at my words.

she laughed, "of course i do. how could i forget? those days were pretty much wild."

"well yeah that's how we made julian." we both laughed hysterically. for the first time in a few months, i laughed, and a genuine laugh.

"yes, i suppose. ...do you have any regrets since paul died?" she asked.

"a million. i wish he and i were closer before he passed. i think i'd be more okay with myself. i wish i'd made more of an effort to talk to him."

"don't blame yourself, john. paul loves you and you love him. you didn't do anything wrong, nor did paul."

"thank you, cyn. you do always know how to make me feel better. you never fail."

"thank you, john. i've got to go now. maybe i'll call sometime later, yeah?"

"would you like to go out for lunch sometime, while im still in london?"

"i don't know john.."

"oh c'mon. there's no harm in having lunch," i said.

"alright.. maybe tomorrow?"

"yes, that'll do. see you then cyn."

"okay. goodbye john."