Afraid // Sequel to Always

Chapter 4

Finnick and Annie take care of me for the next few weeks, and I do what they say because I need Finnick's help to be free. Blu comes in my room every day and wakes me up from my nap, then he'll sit with me and we'll play some games or watch TV. He calms me down better than anyone, and he knows when I'm feeling pretty upset. Some days I'm the happiest I could be at my state, and others I can't even let Blu in my room, locking the door. Afraid. Too scared of how I might react.

Annie makes me my food, and she's really lovely. I love her to death, but she reminds me of Katniss sometimes. There is always a touch of her that makes me feel comfortable, though, because she acts like I'm not really sick. Like there's nothing wrong with me at all. She's the only person to do that ever since Katniss' death.

Evey day there's a new obstacle, some new flashback I need to face. Today was the flashback of a party Katniss, my friends and I went to. Teenage times then, when people drank from keg stands and kissed anyone in sight. Katniss and I were the only ones who didn't drink much, we were only really semi-drunk. We were sober enough to tell everyone else was drunk. But, anyway, all our friends were partying hard, since it was one of their last parties until graduation. Finnick was flirting with guys he thought were girls and Annie ended up pulling him away, but she wasn't angry, in fact, she would laugh hysterically when the big guys nearly punched him in the face. Cato and Clove sat with their arms wrapped around each other as Glimmer and Marvel joined them. I remember glancing over, Delly came to Marvel's side but he simply waved her off and gave Glimmer a small kiss. Johanna and Gale were in the midst of flirting but weren't official and didn't really care about each other. I'm sure around that time Gale realised Katniss was off-limits. Anyhow, Katniss and I made our way around the crowd, chatting with our friends who didn't understand a word we said, then go around in circles until we got bored. I took her hand and led her outside, it was a big backyard. I didn't actually know whose party we were at, but their house was great. We went to this small area that had a pond and flowers and a porch-swing. We sat on it together with the background shouts and thumping music. But we were far outside the house it was a soothing noise. There was silence for a while, her head sort of limply hanging on my shoulder. I sighed, and it was like she knew there was something wrong.

"Are you alright?" She whispered.

"I'm okay. Never leave me." I whispered back, taking her hand in mine.

I could picture her smile, her eyes closed, taking in the moment. She did it all the time.

"I'm here. Always."

Then she lifted her head and planted a kiss on my lips. It was a short kiss, but it made me feel so impossibly happy, so free and in love that I just held her there in silence for what seemed like eternity. We were so comfortable we sat there for hours, and it had to be the best party I've ever been to. Just because of her. Katniss.

~

I broke down and cried when I remembered that, mostly because for the first time I felt like it was when I held her, kissed her, heard her voice. Saw her smile. Her laugh ringing in my ears.

Finnick didn't come in when I sobbed, he knew what was happening, and everyone always knows what's best for me in a situation like that.

Today Delly called Finnick and he passed the phone to me.

"Hey! Peeta?" Delly said, full of that happiness I can easily cling to.

"Hey Delly." I managed a smile.

"How are you?" She asked

Oh, my life. Full of lies. Full of words that aren't true. I'm not feeling good. Never. I haven't felt good for a long time. But I'm getting better. No. I spit out my medication, but Finnick has been watching me take them the past few days. I must be thinking of what to say for a long time, because Delly cuts in again.

"Actually, nevermind that. I was just wondering if you wanted to have lunch today."

I close my eyes for a minute, picturing me at a table, eating and laughing and sitting in public with no flashbacks. With no way of turning insane. With no one staring at me when I start to sob. I haven't had lunch away from home for a while. I decide on no.

"I'm sorry Delly, I'm kind of busy today." With what? Crying?

"Oh..okay then. Well, maybe we can some other time. Sorry Peeta."

The phone lets out a beep to tell me she hung up. I let out a loud sigh and hand the phone back to Finnick, who looks at me sadly.

"You should've said yes, you know she's harmless." He shrugs.

"I just don't want to go out today." I lie. I really don't want to see Delly because she'll try make me feel better and it will end up making me feel worse, and then I'll make her feel worse.

"Peeta," Finnick looks at me with tears in his eyes, rare tears, and his voice is so strained, croaky, "Peeta, please," a tear rolls down his cheek, "can you just...get better? I try to do everything, I try my best to make you feel better, to make you feel as if nothing is wrong with you. But you're not you. You're some monster. You need to move on. It might take days or months or years; but I need a sign you'll get better. I can't handle it. Please,"

He pauses, looking at me with such a sad look, and it's now, in this darkness, I know how he really feels. How he has wanted to tell me this for a long time.

"Please bring back old Peeta. The one who could at least crack a smile once a day. The one that loved Katniss through thick and thin. You're not doing her any favours by not letting go."

I stare at the wall, tears falling onto my hands. My eyes, which ache for Katniss' face, now see it. A framed picture sitting on a wardrobe. She's smiling slightly, her gray eyes clear in the rain. She sits in long grass, and is soaked from the rain. The meadow. I recognise it because she holds a dandelion on her palm.

Memories appear in my mind. I took that photo. I remember it clearly now. We sat in the meadow for hours that day in the pouring rain and she picked as many dandelions as she could and then tried to make a crown of them. Yes, that was the best day of my life. Not because of the dandelions or the crowns or the meadow or the rain. It's because that was the day I realised then and there how much I truly loved her and needed her.

Even though this memory should haunt me right now, I surprisingly feel no pain. It's such a small picture, and I remember Finnick taking most of the pictures of her away. But not this one.

This picture gives me hope. That I can get better. I can live on, maybe not as happily, but all I need is hope. Hope that could get me to move on in life and keep her with me without getting hurt. It will be a big job, but if I play it right, for her and Finnick, I may just succeed. I thought if I shut Katniss out of my mind completely, I would get better, but now I know I need more memories of her. More proof, more information, to help me.

I look at Finnick, a small, noticeable smile forming on my face.

"Okay, okay Finnick. I'll get better. I promise."

And for the first time in forever, he lets out a sigh of relief.

***

Hey! Sorry for taking so long to update.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it CAME FROM THE HEART! <3

Love you all. Sorry if there are mistakes.

Updating ASAP