Happieness

Realness

Wednesday 21st of May 2019 - 6.05am

„Yura, you are late!" The loud, agitated voice of my coach was shuttering through my ears always coming back to me with the deep echo of the ice rink, „If you don't step your game up right now young man, you won't even make it to the GP Finales." Yakov was furious. Surely, the old man got angered quite easily, but especially if I wasn't on time in the mornings, it pushed the coaches buttons. „It can't be that hard to get your lazy ass out of bed half an hour before due time. If you can't make that you better quit. I won't waste my time." With a typical „mmmmpf" I shuffled towards the ice and started my morning warm up routine.

I was never an early bird, but over the last year my limps just started to become progressively heavier every morning - when getting up, when running to the ice ring, even when skating. Skating used to be the my safe space. Feeling flawless, free and untouchable, that's what skating used to give to me. Nowadays everything is different, I can hardly make it to practice, finding hard to concentrate and making my body shine on the ice, well if I have a bad day that is. But do the bad days ever stop?

„Ok, Yura let's start to work on your program." After this the drilling of Yakovs voice was following my every movement for the next 45 minutes, while I was trying to run through the axels and lutz combined with the terrifying footwork for this years routine. After nearly to break downs, because I just lacked the strength in my body to keep up with the advancing expectations of my coach.
„That's it for today. Make sure you show up to Lilias session this evening. If you want to get there, we definitely need to work on your aura to be a little more fairy like. That's what everyone is looking for in you - not the dark typical teenage cloud that you carry while skating recently. I am sure Lilia can help you with that. Yura, your days where being a stroppy teenager was kind of cute and understandebal to the public are over, if you want to stay professional we need to change that attitude." Following this for my coach untypical 'speech', Yakov turned around and left the ice ring with not another word.

Sitting down in the changing room to get rid of the 'knife blades' I just felt paralysed. Paralysed from my awful performance during this session, paralysed from the harsh comments made, paralysed from existing.

Ok, anyway if I didn't hurry I would also be late for work. Quickly showering and changing into my work uniform I managed to get to the cafe just in time.
When I moved out of Viktors and the Pigs place, lacking money I was desperately looking for a part time job. Surprisingly the old hag had started to manage her mums coffee place a few weeks before that. God knows how she does that next to her skating, but she was looking for employees, so Viktor thought it would be a great idea for the least sociable and small talk capable person to work there, that there is - me. I just didn't like people and was neither good at communicating or serving them in any way or form, but I guess it brings the money.
"Hey Yura darling!" Milas annoyingly happy voice spilled from the back of the storage. "We are opening in 5 minutes so please get the tables ready. Oh and can you please make me one of your spicy tiger lattes? I have been aching for one all day!"
I let myself get swollowed up by the peaceful and quiet ambient of the place, stericly doing the job I was paid to do. Falsely smiling, dully chatting and hecticly serving.

After my 7 hour shift I finally managed to get myself home via St. Petersburgs confusing train system. I could have driven, but that was another point on my failure list - 19 year old Yuri Plisetsky still didn't have his fucking driving license. I just couldn't get myself to study for the theory and make appointments for the lessons. If I did something it needed to be perfect first time - the Russian Ice Tiger had no margin for failure. Well and in this case failure was my greatest opponent.
Dumping my stuff at the entrance, my legs carried myself to the couch, my eyes lazing at the kitchen, but to be honest I was to tired to make myself anything. Not that I had any particular cooking skills, but lately it was to much for me to cook even instant noodles in hot water. Simply lacking the strength and appetite. Finally sitting on the couch, my mind wandering of to the dark places of this world, the phone started to ring. And it wouldn't stop. By now most of my so called friends where used to me not answering the phone when I wasn't in the mood, but there was only one person who would call twice - shit Otabek. I totally forgot about my boyfriend. Fucking hell, how can I be such a looser.