𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜, 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜, 𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚙𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚜

𝐢𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬, 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝

I never thought that I'd get to say that I'm dating my long time crush who doubles as my best friend.
But here I am!

The fact that someone likes me- and knows me well and still likes me, is insane.

We're keeping it very low key for our own reasons, and I'm trying my best to be affectionate. But damn it's hard. Sending hearts, it's a huge step. I mean it's not, but the thought of it scares me. It's not scary, but I just don't know when to do it.

The last thing I want is for him- I'm gonna call him Boy. I don't want Boy to think that I'm ashamed of him or I don't actually wan to be with him. I want to hold his hand but I'm too emotionally constipated to know how to.

Boy is amazing. He's attractive, funny, smart, he genuinely cares about me. Hell, I'm texting him while I'm writing this.
I just hope that he realizes that I'm just not sure what to do. And god I like him so much. He is just incredible.

I hope that one day, we can meet up somewhere that it's only us. So I can act like the affection girlfriend (damn, it's strange saying girlfriend). So I can hold his hand and finally kiss his stupid beautiful face.

Holy shit he just went on a rant about how beautiful colours are.
One day I'm probably gonna look back at this entry and laugh at how stupid I'm being.

I don't want to fuck up our friendship. I don't want to fuck up our friend up. But that's part of the thrill isn't it? But fuck allthat.

for now, I'm happy.

Fucking terrified

But happy