I am used to silence because I am a silent person as well. In school, I was never one of the noisy kids who were always scolded by our teachers. I can sit in class the whole day without uttering a word, unless someone talks to me or asks me to talk. I prefer studying in silence—I can't concentrate with the TV on or with any music or noise that I hear. I like silence and I'm at peace when everything around me is silent.
But certain things and people change, silence became something that actually scared me. Silence has become awkward, especially when I'm with a person I'm not comfortable with. Silence has made my surroundings heavy when I couldn't answer questions thrown at me. Silence has become painful when I couldn't do anything about a certain situation. And silence has drawn creeping negative thoughts out of the dark caves in my mind—whispering all the hurtful words and all the self-inflicted pain I've put at the back of my mind. All the lies that I know I shouldn't be believing in.
I constantly talk with the people around me to keep me preoccupied. I open up to my closest friends and even my family. But when the day is over and I'm alone again, it all goes back. And so I turn up the volume and let each beat flood my system to put me to sleep. I've done this many times, but at some point, even the most comforting words couldn't comfort me anymore, and even the loudest music couldn't take the silence away.
I tried so hard to take silence away to prevent myself from being drowned by my hurtful mind. To just escape and prevent myself from being hurt further. It was already 1am, one night. I was constantly tossing myself around my bed. I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to already. I couldn't stop my mind from thinking and thinking. I was just crying the whole time, not understanding myself anymore. I stood up and sat in front of my study table. Then I picked it up. I picked up my Bible and opened it.
That night, I cried to God all the pain I've tried to cover up. I cried to God every fear, every worry, every negative thought stored at the back of my mind that contstantly resurfaces whenever I'm vulnerable—whenever there's silence.
I read the verses I've highlighted before. I read through the book of Psalms, highlighted more verses, and by then I couldn't stop myself from crying. The verse that really spoke to me that night was Psalm 25:16-18 and it says "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Look upon my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins."
Silence was something that scared me but it was also in silence that I found my peace. It was in silence that I was comforted. It was in silence I regained my strength. It was in silence God has done another miracle in my life. That night, I slept peacefully and woke up without a heavy heart.
That night reminded me how God worked in my life. How He saved me from drowning. How He comforted me. How He didn't give up on me. How He assured me of His unconditional love and His promises that He will never break. How He gave another meaning to silence and that being in silence is okay.
To be honest, there are still times that silence scares me. But I always go back to that night and let God remind me again of what He did that night. That He is always by my side even in the most silent times of my life.
