Diary of an Anorexic Girl

The Love and Heartbreak

February 23, 2017: It's My Fault

We hear of broken love stories- ones who were so close to making it

That was us

I wasn't ready to love you back

so I broke your heart

I watched you fall apart and spit venom in my face

I felt the knife go in and didn't try to stop you from twisting it

All the blood in my body froze

I held my chest in pain because my heart couldn't handle the pressure

Maybe I wasn't ready to love you like you wanted me to

but I wont forget you

I wont forget how you loved me

You 

Three years of highschool, less than five feet away from eachother, never more than a few words

until he commented on my tattoo and told me I was attractive

my curiousity got the best of me after he convinced me to come over

I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard, nor do I recall someone ever kissing me the way he did that first day

He was the first guy I ever spent the night with

I had one month left before I moved away and I spent almost every minute of it with him

He quickly became my person

I found comfort in falling asleep listening to his heartbeat

His embrace was intoxicating

His smile was contagious

The way he looked at me took my breath away

The way he kissed me made me forget my name

I finally found my home after being lost for months

I remember the day I had to leave.

He told me I wasn't allowed to go as he held his head low and wrapped me in his embrace when I sat down next to him

"I'm going to miss you a lot" he said before walking me out to my car and holding me in his arms before kissing me goodbye

Oh my god it was painful

My soul felt like it was being ripped out of my body

I hope he knows I cried once I left

He was never ashamed to show how much he wanted me

He never missed a chance to skype me or tell me good morning

I remember that time he came to the bedroom door around midnight telling me to get dressed because he wanted milk. We were laughing so much it was hard to breathe. When we got home from the store he wrapped me in a blanket and told me I'm going to look back in thirty years and think "wow, I should've married the guy who rolled me into a burrito"

"I wouldn't have to if the guy I marry is the same person who did it"

He told me I was smart, sexy, and motivated then followed with the question, "What more could a man want?"

yeah, what more could a man want

There was a shift, maybe he tried to make it suble

it wasnt

I noticed from the moment he stopped telling me he missed me and the other messages that went ignored

I bawled my eyes out at the kitchen table before he  told me what I already knew

There was someone else

I dont cry over boys

but I cred

I sat in my bed with tear stained cheeks and shaking hands trying to find comfort in something that was no longer there

I forgot how to breathe

Its hard to believe that six days before that I was captured by his embrace as he spun me around in his arms with the widest smile etched on his face

What happened to the person who told me I needed to come home

I'm home now

..Where are you

What I Could Never Say

I never told you happy birthday, but it's something I thought about for a month straight because I wanted to give you a gift

I never told you how much my heart ached the morning I left, it took everything I had to hold back the tears until I was a block away from your house.

I never told you that I was willing to move mountains for you. I could've dropped out of college without a second thought if it meant we could be something

I never told you that your arms felt like home everytime you wrapped me in them and smiled like I was your entire world

I also never told you how much it hurt when you said you didn't want me anymore, I told you it felt like you slapped me, but it was more than that. I couldnt fucking breathe, you ripped the air out of my lungs

But most importantly, I never told you I loved you 

because if I did

I'm afraid you wouldn't have said it back