Diary of an Anorexic Girl

The Hate That Makes me Stronger

Hysterical

Remember when you kissed me in my car that night? With a hungry passion that made me forget my name. The way your fingers explored my body; heistant but eager. The way your eyes danced across my lips in wonder...

There's a million reasons why I should've left, there's many peope who told me to, but then your brown eyes would light up in awe when they met mine and all I could do is stare

You are the reason I don't trust the pretty words that come out of the mouths of pretty boys, whispering promises that are too good to be true, because honey, I know all too well they are.

You never actually cared, did you? You empowered me, built my confidence from the soft spoken shy girl I once was, then you'd leave again and again

I started using the voice you gave me. I began intimidating you. I was now better than you ever thought I could be and you HATED it.

I held on to you like a lifeline despite it all, because lust is a powerful thing and I became intoxicated by the feeling.

You never gave me the things I began to beg for and it took years to realize I dont need to get down on my knees and beg for a mans attention

That's also how I leaned an apology can lose its meaning.

Tell me again how madly in love you are with me? How you would change for me?  How you want me in your life til the day you die?

How ironic is it that we tell ourselves, "it'll never be me, I'll be smarter" but it isn't until we are our telling ourselves we'll never be worth it to someone else, that we realize how fucking hard it is

How dumb I was to think I could be happier with you when you never came around, I rarely ever got a word out of you to begin with. I was always shut out and lied to. How could I be happier with someone I only see onece in the time span of four months?

But you loved me right?

no

I sat there screaming all the reasons why you are terrible to me and all you did was ask why I was being such a bitch

I was tired of getting let down one more time

I just wanted you to finally realize that you were hurting me

You said you'd try this time around and yet weeks would go by and here we are, one more broken promise. No effort in a text, no effort in trying to see me

I stopped trying to reach you and instead waited for you hoping for that small chance you would realize I was worth something 

I began to feel numb everytime I saw your name show up on my phone

I gave up and you told me it was my fault. You'd try manipulating me if I didn't give into your bullshit

That's where you fucked up, I've stopped caring about pleasing you

I should've never given you anything when I knew I wouldn't get anything in return

You never deserved me 

One day you asked how you could be different from the other guys and got upset when I told you it's not possible

I cant treat you like you're special when you treat me like a toy.

The most memorable thing about you was when I was dricing home and saw your name show up on my phone after months and I started laughing hysterically becuase I couldn't believe the audacity you had to try coming back one more time

How one Breaks

When I was a little girl I never understood what it meant to feel empty

After all, my biggest worries consisted of the homework sitting in my backpack.