Diary of an Anorexic Girl

His Hands All Over Me

February 6, 2017

Sunday morning. Three months after he left me.

He lost my trust, but wanted to talk

My gut told me not to go

I've never been good at listening

After class, 12:30pm on monday I got into his car.

the scent of him was intoxitcating

The moment seemed surreal, taking me back to the months I enjoyed his presence

He asked me if I trusted him

I didn't

He told me I was the only thing that got him through these last months since his brother died

bullshit

His eyes undressed me on the couch

I couldn't expect much, that's all our relationship has ever been

He pulled me into his lap and gave me a hug

"I really want to kiss you, is that ok?"

"yes"

Then he was on me, devouring my lips with a hungry passion before scooping me up in his arms and tearing my clothes off before laying me down on the bed 

He would whisper how wet I was

I was on autopilot

"tonight you're mine..all mine. I'll take anything I want, do anything I want"

Over and over again he repeated those words

It wasn't rape was it?

Not yet.

Not the other two times it happened either

He took me bowling then out to dinner, helping me relax

He wanted me to post about us on social media

no

"is it because of Hunter?"

he must've looked at my messages

Back in his room, I let my head fall into the pillow

I was in a lot of pain

"Are you going to be with him?" 

no

"is he better in bed"

I don't know, we've never had sex

he was offended

I headed to the bathroom to discover a nice light stain of red all over my white panties

frusterated and upset I met the soft blankets back in his room and rolled to my side to settle the pain in between my legs

then he was kissing me

He ripped my pants off

flipped me over

shoved himself inside me

I couldn't speak, the words seemed to lodge in my throat

The silence was defeaning

I tried getting up

escaping

He shoved me down

I flinched

I went limp

bit back any sound

hoping it would be over soon

The ride home was foggy and confusing

All I could do when I got to the saftey of my own home was sink into the burning bathwater to get the feeling of him off my body

February 27, 2017

you think regret hurts? Guilt hurts?

no

It shatters you

gets deep under your skin

down to your core

and rips you apart

you try so hard to bury the memories that assail you

Your best friend doesn't even try to understand the raw agony of it

"just forget about it"

like she just punched you in the gut

you can't breathe

It invades your dreams

The one place that saved you

The one thing that helped you escape this hellish reality

Now penetrated by reminders of his hands on your skin

Do they tell you how long it take to get past the countless breakdowns

How the music cutting throught the silence doesn't drown out the shame anymore

How many times you scream at yourself in silence

your'e constantly choking on the breath caught in your throat

suffocating in the darkest corners of your mind

May 18, 2017

Wishing the past few months have been a dream

Feeling like you're trying to run while in water

Your mind refusing to wrap around what has been done

It feels like a slap across the face

why would something like that happen to you?

you're numb, just like the first day it happened

Slowly forgetting what it's like to feel anything

maybe that's a good thing

you feel broken

All you can do is stare blankly at the wall clenching your fists, trying to get yourself to calm down

"Why?" you ask yourself over and over until the word sounds foreign

No amount of sleep can ever fix the constant tugging at your eyelids

You'll start getting asked why you keep falling asleep in class and going to bed at 9pm

you wont be able to explain why you're so tired

wont be able to explain how a piece of you died that day

you're just waiting for 

the next time

you get to

..fall asleep