Letters to You

Letter 1

I did something today. Something that probably will make you mad or possibly just disappointed. I was tired of hearing you voice in my head. So I took matters into my own hands. That's probably not a very good thing. In fact, it probably would make you mad. I gave your brother another note. I swear it's not bad. I just needed to say it. It was on my heart. I felt like I needed to say it. I needed to tell him I'm sorry. I've apologized to you. But I never apologized to him. I feel bad for everything I've done as it is. But I never told him I was sorry. Or at least, I don't think I did. If I already have, I low key forgot. But it's fine. I mentioned something else.

I don't remember every remember telling you I was directly gay. I guess that's not exactly how it was worded either. But no, I'm not in love with you. And I never was. I remember we used to joke around with each other, but I never was in love with you. I was confused. I let you put words in my mouth. But I wasn't in love with you. I acted like I was because I thought you had other feelings. I was obviously wrong. But that aside. I just had to let you know. You're girl is not gay. Have I questioned my sexuality? Yep, in fact, I still do. But I'm still not gay. I just don't find myself attracted to anyone to be honest. I'm just me.

Why did I act like I had feelings for you? Because I was a foolish child and literally had no clue what else to do. I've literally had nobody like me back. Still never have. But That doesn't really matter anymore to me. All I want, and all I've ever wanted in life, was a good friend. I've wanted to be like my sister in the way that I'd have a best friend that would stick to me til the day I die. That's what I wanted. Genuinely, that is what I thought you were to me. Not saying you can never be that though. I do believe in second chances. And I believe things can be mended. That could be wrong of me to believe, but I do prefer to keep my hopes high. I don't want to live with no hope for that.

Honestly, that's the only thing that keeps me going. Is the belief that maybe, just maybe, you'll come back. That one day we can put aside our differences and our pasts, and be friends again. I know it's a stretch, but I strongly have a belief in that.

I still wonder that if God put me in my life, why would he take you out so quickly. I know there's the possibility that you were there for one reason, and you completed your reason, so He took you away. But the flesh in my hopes that isn't the case. Honestly, you showed me the hope I needed. When I was struggling you were there for me. It still makes me smile when I remember that time you prayed with me when I was literally sobbing my eyes out. You meant the world to me then. You mean the world to me now. I mean what else can I say. You brought me so much closer to Christ. I mean I had completely fallen away because of my previous friendship. And you showed me the love I needed. I want to give that back to you. Does that make any sense? I'm not trying to sound gay, but it's just gonna sound that way. I love you like family, like a friend, like a sister. You are the reason I still participate in church. Because I can see you urging me on and smiling at me. Like low key if I hadn't met you I would either be dead or be living my life trying to run away from God. Sometimes I still find myself running from Him. But don't we all run from Him sometimes? I know I'm not perfect. But I hope this reaches you one day. Because I want to see how much impact you've had on my life. You truly were my miracle.