Severus and the Thunderbird

Remorse and Reformation

Severus / June / Sixth Year

He flew to the only place he knew that no one would search for him. The only place he might find some order from Dumbledore. Something that he may have left him. Where to go next. How to fight the physical pain in his chest, his soul ached. His closest friend, confidante, and ally, gone. He had given into his biggest and worst demand: mercy killing. But no one else would know that. He would go down in history as the worst human. A murderer. Twenty years of his life gone. Name forever tarnished.

The home of his enemy, rival, fellow order member: Sirius Black. The floor was littered with papers and garbage. He made his way to the bedroom which had the highest probability of success, Sirius' room, where he began to look through box after box of old papers.

Looking through old pictures of the Marauders, the anger surged. But then he came across a letter, signed with love...Lily. A picture of Lily, Potter, and Harry. They looked so happy. Disgustingly so.

Realization dawned on him. He had taken that away from her. He had been so focused on getting her forgiveness, working his way back into her life, that he didn't think to ask if she was truly happy.

And she was. Without him.

He never meant nearly as much to her as she had to him. Her life hadn't revolved around him, rightly so.

And he took it away.

He took a mother away from her child.

A father away from his son.

A child away from parents who would have raised him well. Throwing the child into an abusive home just like he had....

He missed her, missed the friendship. Realized he threw his life away in the search for respect when it was in front of him the whole time. He wanted admiration when he should have looked inward and healed himself. All those years that Albus asked him if he had felt anything...felt any sense of remorse. He hadn't. He knew that tugged at Albus, who himself lived with continuous remorse for his shortcomings.

The remorse never came.

Until now. And the pain tore through him worse than any Cruciatus ever had. He deserved this. Deserved having his soul shredded. But he didn't deserve having his soul pieced back together. How could he continue to live like this? Knowing what he had done? At this point he almost welcomed death.

The tears flowed as he sobbed, sticking Lily's signature and photo in his pocket. He tried to stand but fell over, the grief lay heavy on his shoulders. He sobbed, tears twenty years in the making, unashamed.

Jasmine and musk. He straightened up, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

"Severus" she whispered, kneeling beside him.

"Seren?" he breathed out, unable to believe it, his chest aching even worse as she touched his knee

"There are people looking for you. They'll be here soon. We need to hide until your next meeting. Come with me...bring your picture" she told him nervously, looking around for any sign of impending trouble

"I think I'm dying..." he gasped out, the lightning sharp jabs of pain flying through his body

"Not if I can help it...hold onto me" she assured him, stretching out her arm

"Just leave me" he muttered, wanting to give in to the sensation of defeat

"You're not finished yet! Hey, hey!" she grabbed his face, smacking his cheek as he began to fade into unconsciousness.

They disaparated, apparating into her cozy little apartment that he missed so much. Away from all the rules and lies that bound him. The warmth immediately surrounded them.