Musings of a dumb bitch

Lump of clay

That's what I am to you. A blank canvas, a lump of clay to be molded to whatever pleases the heart, settles the mind. You lied to yourself, you lied to me. You fell in love with a person who doesn't exist, who never did; and you stamped my name on her.
And I was an idiot who finally thought someone cared.
I've always known I was un-loveable but you made me think, just once that someone could even enjoy my existence.
You didn't.
What did you want me to be? Honestly?
A doll in a doll house who behaves exactly how you want. Only comes out to play when you desire it.
I'm sorry I wasn't what you hoped for.

It was kind of you to let me down gently.
"I think we were better as friends"
Did you know it mattered to me. Of course you didn't.
It shouldn't have.
I'm sorry.
I did the same in the end. I loved you, don't doubt that.
But I eloped with the idea of being cared for.
God, it was my drug.
And now I'm pale and shaking, empty and bloodshot. Hands reaching, hungry eyes craving and searching frantically. I'm useless.
Pathetic.
An empty husk without it.

I still gaze at you, across the table.
You don't often look at me, but I look away when you do.
When you're around I fall quiet. I know you don't want to hear me speak.
I'm quiet now when you're not there, people notice but they don't ask.
Some know, they know because you told them. Told them whilst you where ranting about me.
The ones that don't know, don't ask either. They don't care, I don't expect them to.
I don't care either.
Alone I am quiet.
Sometimes I scream, sing and sob.
Just for noise. For conversation.
Imagination.
More often I give in to the silence.
It's nice
I crave it now.
That silence that cradles me coldy like
a child in her mother's arms.
That strokes my hair whilst no tears fall from my unblinking eyes.
I've grown close to my walls, my ceiling, my door.
The white paint that peels and meanders from strokes and strokes of years before.

I could say I miss you.
I'm not sure I do.
I've grown attached to the silence.
Not that you care.
Not that I do either.