Siguro,
It means probably, maybe and perhaps.
Talaga ba?
I can't help it. My heart felt like it was pinched. It made me feel alienated.
Hearing that word made me feel like I don't belong there. Like they could have been a happy extended family if I didn't came into Vince and Jema's life.
Plus right now that I am inside, they all gone quiet.
I pretended that I am busy doing something in my phone. But in truth I am just waiting. I don't want to be the first to say 'let's go'.
It is now 4:30 pm and we have to go.
Do you know how it feels when you want something to happen, as in right now, but you can't voice it out? And then you have to maintain your composure at the same time?
Man, it's killing me.
Tangina! UMALIS NA TAYO DITO!
It was 5:00 pm when finally, she bid her goodbye.
...
We are now in the car. In the middle of a traffic jam. I am tapping the steering wheel, humming a song that is playing inside my head.
"Bakit ang tahimik mo?"
She said.
😒
"Ano na naman Deanna? Nung huli kang tumahimik at salubong ang kilay, napraning ka... May nagtahi lang ng istorya sa utak mo, naniwala ka na agad. Sasabihin mo ba o sasabihin mo?"
She said with evident anger.
"You're asking if I'm thinking of something? SIGURO..."
With emphasis on my last word.
"Nagagalit ka sa sinagot ko kay Vince ganun ba? 'Siguro' ang sinagot ko sa kanya kasi gusto pa rin niyang mamatay. Ayaw na niya lumaban. Nawawalan na siya ng pag-asa. Nakiusap sa akin ang mommy niya na kumbinsihin ko siya na lumaban pa. Kung yung salitang yun ay makakatulong sa kanya, bakit ko ipagkakait?"
This will lead us to nowhere.
She will never think of how it feels if she were on my shoes. She will never know how it feels when you heard that the person you love the most said that she has a 'The One That Got Away'. What is me then?
"Deanna pwede ba! Wag ka sumabay? Baka mamaya pag dalaw natin ulit dun awayin mo pa siya ha?!"
What the hell?
"Anong sinabi mo? Dalaw ulit? May I just remind you that what we have dealt with, was for 'a visit' Jema! Isang beses lang. Subukan mong dumalaw ulit dun!"
Putangina talaga!
"Dadalaw pa rin ako dun. Hanggang di pa ko nanganganak, dadalaw pa din ako dun. Yun lang ang magagawa ko para sa kanya. Deanna maawa ka naman sa kanya!"
She said frustratingly.
"No. Period."
Over my dead bushy eyebrows.
We are now parking at our condo's building.
She did not wait for me to open her door.
I just tailed her. She only stopped when she was in the front of our door.
I have the key.
When we entered our home she went straight to the bathroom.
I turned on the tv. I went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. I reheated our left overs and plugged in the rice cooker.
After a while she went out of the room. I already prepared the table.
We ate silently. The longer she stays quiet, the more that I think she feels something beside pity over Vince.
It's killing me. She knows even before that I am a jealous type. Over the years she tried hard never to make me feel this.
But not today.
"Love, feeling ko di na aabutin ng nine months ang tiyan ko. Kanina parang iba pakiramdam ko. May parang masakit nung umihi ako. Please naman oh. Last na talaga promise."
She begged.
"Edi mas lalong di ka na dapat dumalaw dun? Bukas magpacheck up tayo para malaman natin kung mapapaaga ang delivery mo. Si baby dapat ang priority natin Jema. Hindi yung taong yun. Hindi mo ba naisip na mas lalo mo siyang pinapaasa? Pano siya makakamove on kung nagpapakita ka pa dun? O baka naman nagsisisi ka na nga kasi ako ang pinili mo?"
I told her. She said that we shouldn't keep secrets. There, I told her what's running in my mind.
She inhaled and exhaled deeply. I know that she will get angry when she hears it but I have to. I have to get that off my chest.
"Deanna, mahal na mahal kita, alam mo yan. Ikaw ang pinangarap kong makasama hanggang sa pagtanda. Di ko maimagine ang sarili ko na mabuhay ng di ka kasama. Ikaw lang. Wala ng iba. Mag-aaway tayo pero di tayo maghihiwalay. Magkakatampuhan tayo pero di tayo maghihiwalay. Hanggat nabubuhay ako ikaw lang Deanna."
How that words blown out all my anxiety is like magic. It melt my heart when she said those words. It brought warmth to my soul. A serenity that that was gone eversince Vince sent me that damn video.
I stood and came close to her. I hugged her tight. It is only now that I realized that's what I need,
Assurance.
Those words that means she is still mine.
Because I,
I surrendered myself to her since the fourth of May of 2018.
I gave to her all of me.
Since then it's like I handed her a gun that is pointed at my heart.
And for years I am continuously trusting her that she will never pull its trigger.
My resolve is still firm.
"I'm so sorry Love. I didn't mean to hurt you. But it is still a no. I know that you think I'm being childish again but I am looking at you now. Straight into your eyes. Look at me Love,
You will not go back there.
Not just because I am jealous of him. Not just because I want you all by myself. But most importantly, it is for our son. I know you only think of Vince's welfare but you are pregnant, and you said that you might deliver sooner. Our baby is our number one priority. This is not only between you and me. Our son is the most important here."
I said to her. I know that she still wants to defend her point.
"As a head of this family, I am after you and our baby's safety. Kung gagawin mo pa rin ang gusto mo, magagawa mo naman diba? But think it over, you are stressed because of him. Iniisip mo na may kasalanan ka sa nangyari sa kanya nandun na tayo but you did your part. It is not your duty to heal him. He needs to change not because of you but because of his family. Don't give him false hope. Kahit saan tingnan, aasa pa rin siya every time he sees you."
I think she was already grasping what I wanted to say.
She was quiet after our heart to heart talk and while we are on our way to Athletika.
I sat on my usual spot here in Ate Jia's resto.
I ordered one bottle of beer, with a glass of ice. I am not pouring the beer yet.
I'll be eyeing my wife's each and every move. She said that she already felt something and it might happen again so I better be alert and ready.
"Magandang gabi po sa inyo! Ngayon po ang last na performance ko kasi kailangan ko nang magready para sa panganganak ko. Sana magustuhan niyo po."
