It's time you pick your battle and I promise you this is mine

The Great Lake

About halfway through February, Harry found himself sitting at the Great Lake, alone, skipping stones. It was a warm day, considering the time of the year; the mist had cleared and the grass Harry was sitting on had been no longer damp when he settled down. He had gone out here to calm down from his most recent panic attack (what the trigger was this time he didn't remember or at least he did not try to think of it). The cold air filling his lungs and withdrawing with every breath did not fail to calm him down. Faster than the last few times.

He knew he should finally go talk to Hermione and Ron about it. They had been used to his nightmares, they would not judge him for his panic attacks.

They both had their own grief, just as Harry, but he saw them put themselves together, figure out how to live after the war, or just continue their visions from before the war and; and Harry didn't want to disrupt their happiness. Now that there was no longer any real danger present, just his minds being cruel to himself, he felt no need or want to share it. But he knew he had to. He feared he would not be able to follow his friends on their path and after everything they followed him into, they deserved to know.

Lost in his somber thoughts, absentmindedly continuing to skip stones, Harry did not notice the person approaching him.

"Another panic attack?", a familiar voice asked, the blond boy sitting down next to him.

Harry looked over, taking in the distance between them, or rather the lack of it if you compare it to their former interactions, smiling a small smile.

"Yeah, but it's long over", Harry replied, "now I'm just sitting here contemplating my life." For a short moment, Harry asked himself why on earth he had said that but he relaxed as soon as Draco laughed.

"This seems like a great place for it, doesn't it?" He sighed. "I'm coming here to contemplate my life as well, more often than I'd like to admit."

"Is that why you're here?"

Draco laughed again and Harry had the thought that he could get used to hearing that laugh more often. "Yeeah."

"Thinking about what job to choose?" His teasing tone surprised Harry himself the most but he figured this was the one topic he was allowed to. Besides, it's basically like their old fights just that... the bite is missing to it now.

"Ugh", Draco groaned and let his head flop onto his knees he had just pulled towards his body, "not you too."

"Don't worry. I'm in no place to judge you. I don't even know myself."

Draco's face rocketed upwards to be able to take in the other boy's expression. "I thought you wanted to be an auror."

"Yeaah. But, you know", Harry tried to make it pass off as an offhanded comment, "seeing as I got that idea from a disguised deatheater, I might want to overthink that decision."

"But you'd be a good auror."

"I know."

A murder of crows flew above their heads. They looked up to observe the birds for a few minutes, distracted.

"Why don't you try to become an auror then?", Draco asked, his head still tilted upwards to take in the spectacle in the sky.

"I think I have enough of it." Draco looked down again, curiosity written on his face. "All these years, I've fought Voldemort – ", Harry did not miss the slight flinch of Draco's body, "– again and again and now that I've got some peace, I just – I don't wanna lose it." His voice took up speed. "I still don't trust the ministry. The deatheaters are out of office but how many of the old cowards will get their positions back, as powerful as ever. And if I go to work for them, as an auror or whatever else that doesn't even matter, I will become a symbol again. And I am sick of it. I will be used. When I'm thinking of picking up an auror's position, all I can think about is the times Scrimgeour asked me to work with the ministry, to show the population that they have everything under control. He wanted me to make people believe that I approved of what they were doing, their censorship, their lies to keep the public complacent. I don't want to be used anymore." He slowed his words down again. "I don't want to be a symbol again. I just want to live a life."

Draco nodded. "So what's the other option then? You got an idea what interests you?"

Harry fixed his gaze. "Do you want to take Slughorn up on his offer and apply as Potions professor?" He saw the blush climbing down the Slytherin's cheeks.

"I'd really like to", Draco admitted shyly, "but", he stroked over his left arm unconsciously, "I'm a former deatheater. I don't think I should be allowed to work with children."

"Did you know that Slughorn ran away from the deatheaters so they would not recruit him? He disguised himself as an armchair to get away from them."

Draco's face mirrored confusion.

"What I mean", elucidated Harry, "that I don't think Slughorn would even consider seeing you as a successor for him if he believed that."

"You don't understand", Draco replied strongly, "the mark will never go away. I can try to cover it up as much as I like, in the end, it's still there. I will stay a death eater as long as I live."

"You tried covering it up?", Harry asked, remembering the small bout of colour he had seen when Draco's sleeve had risen up during their Quidditch match.

"You're distracting from the question I asked you." Harry knew not to go back to the topic.

"Yeaah, sorry." He stayed silent for a minute. "You remember Dumbledore's Army, right?"

"Don't try – "

"I'm not deflecting!", Harry shouted. More quietly: "But you knew of it, right? And you remember?"

"Yes, I do", Draco sighed defeatedly.

"Hermione coaxed me into it. I was sceptic at first but turns out I'm actually not a bad teacher. The response told me I was quite good at it. A lot of the skills I taught them became very handy at some points."

"So, Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher, huh?"

"I could imagine it. I don't want to become some symbol of something that I don't support but that – that, I do support. I could educate future generations of aurors and teach all of the students necessary acts of self-defense we were deprived of. So they can stand up for their own and don't need some kind of hero to defend them. I could imagine that."

"So, we'll both be staying at Hogwarts then."

"No", Harry stated, "you are staying at Hogwarts. I don't know about me. I haven't even talked to McGonagall yet. She promised me once, she would help me become an auror and I don't want to disappoint her. And maybe the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher wants to keep that position. Or – "

"Relax", Draco smiled at him, "I'm very sure McGonagall would love for you to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. And that new professor, there's a rumour he's been eyeing the Muggle Studies teaching position, so don't worry about him."

"Thank you", Harry smiled at the other boy thankfully.

"What does Weasley think of your change of plans?", Draco asked, "I believe he wanted to become an auror too."

Harry ground his teeth. "He doesn't know yet."

Draco cocked an eyebrow.

"They are happy now." Harry didn't have to specify who he meant. "I don't want to put them through my problems."

"You always went through every problem together", Draco reminded him confused, "keeping them in doesn't sound very healthy."

"Yeah, because you're the prime example of healthy coping mechanisms. Meaning talking to ghosts instead of real friends –" "Myrtle is not that bad if you get to know her" "– basically not talking to any real people – " " I'm talking to you now" "yeah, and we've never been friends – crying in weird places and blaming yourself for things you couldn't have known better at the time – and don't even fight me on this, you were surrounded by deatheaters who spouted there warped world view left and right – and you're coming to the lake to sit solitarily to contemplate your life and end up talking to your former enemy about it –" "I never said, I was different. Although I do not quite agree with you on every point."

Harry grinned at him. "You don't have to. I'll stay with my opinion."

"Ok", Draco replied calmly, a teasing grin spreading on his face, "it seems like I have my whole work-life to convince you differently."

Harry laughed. "You wish."