As Long As You Love Me

Chapter 9 (Part 1)

Carter's PoV:

"Give me one reason not to do it!" I yelled at myself in the mirror.

I was going crazy. I was home alone. I was in pain.

I've cut myself. I had read online that it'd numb the pain. Only problem is that it hadn't. So I cut again. And again. And again.

My stomach, arms and thighs were covered in cuts, some still bleeding.

I was now screaming at myself to come up with a good reason to not kill myself.

"Come on then! You can't think of anything, can you?! That's because you don't deserve to live! You deserve to die!"

Tears were now rolling down my cheeks. I threw my fist at the mirror. It broke. I got glass in my hand. I hissed, but the feeling soon numbed.

If you are wondering, I broke up with Deborah the other day. She called me a fag and that I should just go kill myself with Matt, because I clearly broke up with her because of him.

I kinda did, but there were other factors, too.

The hate was still coming in through Twitter.

Even comments like "Ching Chong" and "Rice boy" or other comments that made fun of my Asian origins stung and made me cry. I know, it's weak.

"Do it, Carter. You know you should."

I picked up my razor.

"No, not yet, stupid. First you need to write a note. God, you even fail at committing suicide."

To someone overhearing me, I was probably sounding like a schizophrenic, talking to myself like that.

I walked into my room and got out a piece of paper.

Dear family,

I am so, so sorry for doing this. I had no choice. The hate, life, it was all getting too much. I literally could not.
Please know I loved you very, very much. You were the only ones that never stopped loving me.

Lots of love,
Carter

Having finished that letter, I got another piece of paper and wrote to Matt.

Dear Matty,

I am sorry for hurting you like that. It was mostly because I was in shock at my sudden feelings for you.
I know I'm too late, but for what it's worth: I love you.
I'm sorry for leaving you like this, but I trust Oliver to look after you.
Not that you will, but when you do, please don't mourn for me. Look up and continue living. You are an amazing person that only deserves the best of the best.

I love you,
Carter

I thought of writing a letter to the boys, but decided I had nothing useful to say to them, so I just folded both pieces of paper and took them with me to the bathroom.

I picked up my razor again.

I put it at my wrist.

"Goodbye world," I smiled as I slid it down my wrist.

Blood started oozing out.

Soon I started to feel light-headed. I slid my other wrist.

As I slowly lost consciousness, only one thought crossed my mind.

I love you, Matt...

()()()()()()()())()

I know, it's short, but I'll update again tomorrow or the day after. I kinda wanted to split this chapter in two to built up more speculation *smirk face*

Who will die?

I'm a terrible person :')