Our Song

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The rest of the week and weekend went by in a flash, everything was pretty calm in the apartment and I decided that while Tommy was out doing some conditioning with the baseball team, I was going to write some more. Looking around my desk for my journal in between my books, it wasn't there. Trying to hide my panic I looked for my bag and looked through it, dumping out the contents not being able to find it.
Ok now I'm panicking.
Where is it, where is it? Turning my whole room upside down, I could feel my breathing picking up as I start panicking. Where did I last have it? I asked myself as I sat on my now disheveled bed.
Think Dani, think! The last time I remembered having it was on Tuesday? No that's not right, that couldn't have been the last time I wrote anything down. It has to be here in this house.
I got up and started looking through the house, flipping cushions over in the living room, pulling out every drawer in the entertainment center and dumbing them on the floor creating a bigger mess for me to clean later. I could careless about how big my mess was getting, I could feel the panic take over my body, the tears were starting to build up behind my eyes making them burn.
That notebook had every part of my life in it, it was the last thing I had ever gotten from my parents. I sat down on the floor, leaning against the back of the couch, bringing my knees up, wrapping my arms around them and just staring at the wall.
Hearing the door knob jingle brought me back to the present. Looking up as Tommy walked in laughing and talking to someone, my head julted up to see Tommy and Carter walking into the now messy house.
Looking at Tommy I saw him stop dead in his tracks as his eyes met mine. He looked terrified as he dropped his baseball bag down by the door and stalked towards me, looking for any sign of fowl play.
When he got to me he bent down grabbing my face in his hands, as I flinched away from his aggressive hands. Taking a breath I released it slowly as I let him take my face again, this time much more cautiously. He looked terrified looking into my eyes, I wasn't even sure what he was looking for.
"I was looking for my journal mom and dad gave me. I can't find it anywhere Tommy." I whispered to my brother. "I'm fine, I did this to th house. Nothing happened to me." I whispered again taking his hand in mine knowing exactly what he was thinking. I squeezed his hand in reassurance. He let out a breath, and sighed in relief pulling me into him.
"Dani you know we'll find the journal. But god don't do this again, I thought Blake found you, he wasn't at practice today." He held me tight like I was going to disappear. Hearing his name made me tense up not wanting to think about the idea of him around me with no one else here. A single tear slipped down my face as I threw my arms around him.
A movement behind Tommy caught my attention, opening my eyes a little wider my eyes focused on Carter who was standing by the door. Shaking Tommy off and wiping my eyes, I started to stand up realizing he had heard everything. Standing up and dusting myself off, I nudged the couch back into place with my hip and started to reassemble it with the cushions.
"How was practice?" I asked no one emparticular as I was still trying to busy myself trying to make the house presentable. It was bad enough that I had a melt down but to have Carter witness it, and here my brothers fear. I was beyond embarrassed. I finished cleaning up as much as I could, "Hey Dani I'm going to order Chinese food for all of us." I hear Tommy yell from the kitchen.
"Sounds good." I say walking into the kitchen to see Tommy pressing the numbers to call the restaurant, as Carter sits on a stool at the island messing with his phone.
"The living room is all put back together if you guys wanted to hangout in there." I said leaning on the island taking the menu out of Tommy's hand to look at it.
"You know what I like Tommy, I'll be in my room." I said as walked out of the kitchen, glancing at Carter who still wasn't paying attention to me, I didn't blame him though. After what he just walked into I can't even imagine what was going on in his mind about me.
Getting to my room I left the door open as I started to clean the mess I had made in my room, turning on music I started to clean the mess.
"Hey Dani can I come in?" Carter knocked on my open door with one hand behind his back giving me a sheepish smile, his eyes looking around my messy room.
I nodded my head, "Yeah come in. Sorry about the mess, I'm not usually this messy I swear. I was just looking for something earlier and I can't seem to find it." I started rambling not knowing why I was trying to give him an excuse for the house and the state he had found me in earlier.
I was afraid to look up into his eyes, fearing I would see the sympathetic look in them just like everyone else had done. A year later and all the looks I would get were starting to get back to normal, but every once in awhile I would see the sorry looks some of the guys would give me, making my stomach ache.
He walked into the room making his way towards my desk chair, "I think I have something that belongs to you, unless there is another Daniella Morine?" He said pulling his hand out from behind his back, and sitting down to show me my lost notebook that caused all this mess
"Oh my god! Thank you so much! Where did you find it?" I grabbed my notebook from him smiling and shaking my head in disbelief so relieved to have it back.
"It must have fallen out of your bag when we were hanging out last week. It was tucked between the passenger seat and the middle console. I tried to give it back to you but you were in such a hurry I couldn't." He said smiling, as I sat on the corner of my bed, inspecting my notebook. Something seemed off about it, while it was worn down from all my writing and all the liquids that had been spilled on it, some corners were dog eared like someone had been going through it.
"Did you go through it?" I asked not looking at him, as I focused on the notebook and flipped it open to the pages that were dog eared. The pages that were marked where the pages with the finished lyrics that I had written.
"I thought it was your chemistry notes and I wanted to jot some stuff down. So y-yeah I went through it. I'm sorry Dani." He said in a whisper leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands running his fingers through his dark brown hair.
"S-So when did you find it then?" I was trying to calm my breathing, feeling the panic starting to rise in me. I looked up staring into his worried green eyes, why was he worried? If anything I was worried of what he saw in this book. Yeah it didn't really have anything about him in it, but it had Blake and James in it. Every part of my chaotic life was written down in it. That's why he couldn't look at me.
That wasn't worry I saw, it was sympathy. He felt sorry for me, I was a joke, my whole life written in this journal was written on his face in the form of sympathy.
"Since Friday. I'm sorry I should've gave it back as soon as I realized it wasn't your chemistry notes. But those lyrics are amazing Dani. I spent all day Sunday just reading and re-reading them all." He said in a pleading tone trying to get me to understand where he was coming from.
My blood ran cold, not being able to look at him anymore knowing the all to familiar look his face was sporting. I was angry, but numb.
My perfect starched bow, that held me together, was now completely crumpled, undone and laying on the floor. I was torn between what I know I had to do and what I wanted to do. I just stared at the floor, not feeling a thing.
"They are song right?"
His voice washed over me, his question was all I could hear, not even the music was penetrating into my mind, just his words. I broke my stare off with the floor to finally look up at him, deciding to listen to my heart for the first time in a year and throwing caution to the wind.
I didn't answers him, I just stood up and walked to my desk behind him and grabbed my phone, I searched for it on my phone. The only way I could answers him without breaking into a million pieces at the thoughts of someone finally hearing my songs. He's said he read my lyrics, well what better way for him to understand then for him to actually here them.
My finger finally hovering over my secret playlist, as I felt his gaze on my back trying to understand what I was doing. Hell I was trying to figure out what I was doing. But before I could chicken out I clicked the song as the piano melody started to fill the air, I flipped through the dog eared pages trying to find the right lyrics.
Finding the right song. I opened the page all the way and almost aggressively put it in his lap so he could follow along. He took the book all the while looking at me puzzled, I didn't make a sound I just gestered to the page, and he looked down following along as my voice came through the speakers reading the lyrics.
"Dirty tissues, trust issues
Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you
Lonely pillows in a strangers bed
Little voices in my head
Secret keeping, stop the bleeding
Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating
All the songs that I can't listen to, to tell the truth
Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences
Hesitation, awkward conversation
Running on low expectation
Every siren that I was ignoring
I'm payin' for it
Loving you was young, and wild, and free
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound
A steady place to let down my defenses
But loving you had consequences
No, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Said, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Hey, no ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap
Loving you will still take shots at me
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured
And I lost so much more than my senses
'Cause loving you had consequences
Loving you"
I felt his gaze on me as the song ended, and I turned off my phone. And walked back over to my bed taking a seat on the corner not daring to meet his eyes, I put my head in my hands not knowing what to do now. He was the first person to ever hear one of my songs and I couldn't understand why I let him hear anything besides me yelling at him to get out.

*A/N the song is Consequence by Camila Cabello.*