Storm.

Chapter 6

I wake up at the time the light turns on. I never had any idea if they turn the lights at the actual time the day starts, I lost notion of time here the first month. I can't tell what hour it is. What day or month. I only know it's been more than a year because they were nice enough to let me know when my birthday was.

I grab my notebook and pencil and draw what I dreamt.

Ever since they let me keep these, I've been drawing everything. Because I'm afraid that one day I'll forget what everything used to look like. I draw and write everything, I've written letters to everyone outside I remeber, and drawing even the littlest things. 

My door opens telling me it's time to have breakfast. They walk me to the dining room where our trays are already served with what we have to eat.

"Good morning." Will says as I come in. I smile at him and sit down, I really have no energy to talk. I feel drained. Yesterday I went into experimentation, again. Not that I was surprised. My little act with the president costed me some pain.
Yesterday they took bone marrow from me and I can barely walk. It's not the first time they've done it, but it still hurts like hell. After getting a tiny blood transplant, they saw how I would react to laser. They literally lasered a 1 inch line in my arm just to see the purple flares come out of my body. I just don't know how I'm still alive.

I drink my water and 'vitamins', as they call them, I'm pretty sure it's a mix of antidepressants and a bunch of other drugs. I stare at the food. I'm not hungry, I'm nauseous, as always. I can't tell if I'm nauseous because I don't eat or if I don't eat because I'm nauseous. I take a bite of the bread and stare at the floor for the rest of the time.

"I burnt my finger yesterday." Will says getting me out of my thoughts.

"What happened?" I say. He's now like a little brother to me. Anne eats in silence as usual while we talk.

"Dr. Weinster wanted to se if I could take energy form a toaster. A turned on toaster!" His voice cracks as he speaks and I reach my hand to hold his. We aren't allowed to hug but if I could I'd hug him so tight. He's so alone and it hurts.

When we are done with breakfast I get moved back to my room, wich Jack opens the door for me.

"You haven't been eating a lot recently." He says while I get in. "You look skinnier, if that's even possible."

"Don't really have a lot of appetite." I say sitting down. Two nurses bring in a machine with a tube. Oh shit, this can't be good.

"If I knew this would happen, I would have told you. Olivia, you are getting tubed." I start getting nervous. I know what 'getting tubed' is. When I don't eat a lot, they stick a tube down my nose to my throat and God knows where it stops. The only thing I know is it hurts when it goes in. I should've know better, I knew this could happen if I continued eating like shit, I just didn't think they would actually do it again. 

"Take a deep breath." One nurse says and I do take a deep breath, whatever to make it hurt less. Here it comes.

I feel as she pushes the tube down my nose and then my throat. I tear slides down my face, but, I don't really feel anything anymore. I mean, the pain is there. That I'm sure. But I just don't feel anything inside me. Pain is just physical, I don't hurt any more mentally or emotionally. I feel like everything has been drained out of me. Tears fall but I don't really feel them. They're just there. Sometimes I don't even notice when I cry. I just cry because maybe my body was meant to function like that. Sometimes I pray to cry again and feel something. Feel emotional pain.

Or maybe the pain is always here and I don't know what it's like to live without it.

This is how everything has been lately, a big nothing, a big black hole of emotions I'm praying to feel. I want to feel something again. I long for the feeling of a warm hug, Sam's warm hugs, those were the best, or the look of happy eyes. Everyone in here looks empty, I just miss looking at someone and feeling happiness for once. I want to leave, wheater I do it physically, or not. I want to leave, and if the only way for me to leave this place is dying, then I will die. I just can't be here anymore, I'd rather be anywhere. I even bet hell is nicer, if this isn't it. Maybe I already died, and this is hell, this is my punishment for being born like a monster, a monster that not even my own parents wanted, a monster that threw to hell the only real friendship she's ever known. And then I get to the point where I realize.

I don't deserve to leave, I don't deserve the freedom I so desperately long for, even death sounds like to much of a price for me. Maybe I do deserve to be here, and suffer everything, I need to pay for what I've done. And somehow, someone put me here because they knew I belonged here. Like the thing I am, a menace to humans.