Two

19. Collin

       I hadn't considered, but was he going to come today to classes? Or steal any other friends and take them to any nearby park? Or anything that's just going to make my time infinitely worse? What was his next move?

       Deep breath. I couldn't fucking know. I just couldn't. Enter the building, take the left. Walk up the stairs. "Number 2". Push the door open.

       - Anderson, I've already marked you as absent. For Christ's sake, it's been 15 minutes. Why were you so late?

       - Uh, the traffic was pretty...

       - I don't even want to hear it. Get to your desk. Now! You don't get to run around doing whatever you want.

       Ah, nothing better than the morning shouts of a pissed teacher. I almost felt like slicing my throat right there. Not to give birth to any reaction, but just a genuine conscious desire to die. It never helped that my voice was much lower on volume than I portrayed it in my head. It never ceased being depressing seeing how truly much you sucked compared to your mental version of yourself. 

       While he was speaking out his 3 to 4 phrases, I took the time to look around the class and make eye contact with people. It was a pleasant game of mine. I loved pretending I was doing it not because I was completely embarrassed, but because it actually seemed detached and cool for whatever reason. Sometimes, like today, though, the teacher realized my attention should be on him when he's scolding me.

       - What, do you think I'm a joke? Look at me. Get out of the classroom. When you feel like coming back, you'll have to apologize properly. Look at me while you're doing it. Punk.

       You see, I would naturally use the narative skipping superpowers in a moment like this. Unfortunately, it made an important point about my life. About myself. In its apparently classic ways.

        Of course, I followed by leaving. I had to push the door, but I obviously pulled first. Being the comically dumb character I was, the pull was very audible. I was actually so dumbfounded that I did it twice, this time sparking a reaction.

       - Can you even open a door? You're eating away my class!

       I thought at least in a situation like this I would be detached. Somewhat cool. Come on, there was this maniacal clone in my life that was making everything worse for me, consistently putting me down. This one hidden badass that looked just like me. You know what they say, contrasts between people create personalities. The more apart I felt from him, the better I felt about myself, in a way.

       This comically simple door moment reminded me of everything my life ever was and was ever going to be. Someone whose thoughts are never going to manifest. Someone who keeps jumping between mentalities to find a safe haven. Someone who, despite the way they word things, will never find any real solace in their own words or creations. Not in the face of a bland, simple reality, with no real meaning to it. It almost felt like a kid doing a coinflip. Depending on the outcome, he decides what you're going to be through. What kind of feelings. Some manage to snatch his coin and flip it on the side they crave, but to what extent does that matter? It's just a kid's toy. With two simple sides to it. Feeling a way or feeling the other. Pleasant or unpleasant. Good or bad. Desirable or undesirable. It was just a game of feelings in the end. A game of pointless sensations with no real meaning to them.

       I did my best to empty my head. I got out and reopened the door.

       - Uh, I'm sorry... I'm late? May I come in?

       - Whatever, just go to your desk. Ugh...

       To my knowledge, this interaction took about 2 minutes.

       Afterwards, I went up to my desk, where Paula was. She looked distressed. Didn't say hi to me. Didn't actually look at me, for that matter. Almost like a ghost came next to her. It felt embarrassing. It's amazing how much can come crashing down in so short.

       This friendship I've had with Paula was, in its own rights, an integral part of me. I was always flattered by how good of a friend she was, though it did start to lose its taste at some point. Even so, I could still say I cared a lot. Who knows what he told her. Both in the park or ... with my phone. Did he have the same number as me? Was that even possible? I wondered about that. Come to think of it, I'd never actually seen him use his phone. Or his phone itself.

       It felt like ages until the bell rang. Paula got up and just left out the door. Not quickly or anything. Just like she had no one to stay with here. I've never actually seen her like that.

       - Dude, let's go out. It's sunny and nice, said Collin to me from a few desks ahead.

       - Sure, whatever.

       Walking up to him, I felt his realization. The realization of not knowing if its me. He started hesitating.

       - Is it... you?

      Obviously, a few heads around pointed themselves at me. I couldn't have been in a worse possible mood to deal with something like this.

       - Yes, I pro- I fucking promise to you it's me, alright? Let's go out. Pretty fucking please?

       He complied. Thank God. Even though it was worrying, since too much trust can get him easily tricked. We walked around the colorful yard, our heads almost burnt by the sun's strength. The sky was slightly cloudy and, with each passing moment, the realization that none of us knew how to open a conversation was getting more present.

       The people around us were making wild background noise. Happy screams, people talking enthusiastically. Even people dressed weirdly, resembling nothing of the school's dressing policies. Oh, right.

       Tomorrow was the PROM. That event. That special event everyone cared about a lot. I had forgotten.

       - Uh, who are you going to the prom with? I asked him.

       - I think Jess. I asked her to come with me. I'm surprised she wanted to, but I'm glad, I guess.

       I won't actually bother going into the jealousy of it. Anyone's imagination can make up for a classic situation like this.

       - Ah, cool.

       - What about you? Asked out anyone?

       - ...

       - You don't feel well at all. We have to talk about it. What is the other one doing, in hopes that you're not him?

       - Probably sleeping. Same as yesterday, but, even then, he had to come and get shit his own way with things.

       - What did he do, exactly? He talked with Paula, didn't he? Is that why she is so cold to you? Or... could it be that you're the... fuck...  I don't have a clue. Like what the fuck do I get to think, dude? You two match. You just do. In the end, what's stopping me from thinking that you're the clone who killed him and tossed him in a dumpster, huh? Maybe that's why Paula's avoiding you.

       - I can't do much about that. I can't prove you in any way I can think of. He's... me, apparently.

       - With a risk like that, I think it's better that you and me keep a distance until it sorts out. I don't want you to manipulate me in case you're him. You're both the same, so it's very easy to deceive me. Are there at least any memories you have that he doesn't?... Isn't there any real detail to differentiate between the two of you? I'm at such a loss and I don't know what to do. I'm scared too.

       - Alright, then we'll have to keep a distance. You'll overthink everything to death staying around me. Goodbye, Collin.

       - Goodbye, he said, as he walked back to the classroom.

       I gave him some time to get in, then I followed. For the first time in a few days, I glanced at the "PROM" poster on the door of the class. The colorful, devilish woman. Almost as if looking down on me through the closed eyelids.