Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

34. jack of all fears, master of none

"We're here," June announces and I feel the car roll to a stop. I reach up to pull the blindfold off my eyes but June reaches for my arm. "Not yet." I hear his car door slam and a moment later the cool air rushes from my side. He helps me out of the car and takes my hand. 

"Can I please just look?"

"In a minute," he says. "Watch the curb here." I lean onto him and listen to his directions as he guides me somewhere. "Arrived!" he cries. I reach up and pull the blindfold all the way off my eyes. We're at the cemetery. 

"Starting from the beginning, I see," I say, turning to look at him. He grips my hand tighter and smiles. 

"C'mon." I follow him as we walk through the front archway and down the path. This is the spot I freaked out at last time. I take a deep breath in, glad that the sun hasn't quite set so it's not as eerie as last time. "You alright?" June asks me. I nod my head and take another step, the entrance drifting further and further away. I don't need to think about that. 

Figures rise up from the graves and stare at me with hollow eyes and grasping hands. I blink. They're gone. I look down at my feet and realise they have come to a stop. They are facing a grave. I look at the name. "Elizabeth 'Ellie' Monarch." Grandma. 

It brings me back in an instant. Seven years old, gripping tightly to my mother's leg. Roses on an oak coffin. Afterwards, lemon squares in bitesize pieces and juice that was way too sweet. I don't even notice the tears as they slide down my cheek. 

"Rest in peace, grandma." I reach out and run my fingers over the words on her headstone. Remember how at first I refused to go in. How I yelled at my mother when she told me to sit still. I was so insensitive, but really I just couldn't handle the fact my mother was crying. Death was too real. No longer some omniscient thing that I knew about but a real force as solid as a brick wall that could take away who I loved at a whim. 

Going into a cemetery was a reminder of that, I never wanted to face. I take June's hand and turn and walk out of the cemetery, feeling more at peace with her death than I ever have. It wasn't the cemetery I was afraid of, but the memories I'd have to face. June hugs me. 

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I whisper and we drive back into the night. The sun slowly sets on the horizon and June switches on the headlights. I rub Salty's back gently and feed her a few treats out of the palm of my hand. We pull over at the side of the road at the edge of town. 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" June asks me. I glance up at the sign. 'You're leaving Wellis. Hope to see you again soon!' 

"Yes," I say firmly and he shifts the car back into gear. There we are, cruising along the highway, two kids, alone, at night, with no specific place to go but a very important mission to accomplish. I check the time and realise my parents will just about be coming home from work. They're going to be worried about where I am. I pull out my phone to send them a text. 

Hi mum, dad. 

Just letting you know I'm safe. Don't worry. I'm with June. I had to go conquer all my fears. I know it's sudden but I had to do it now. You're the ones always telling me there's no time like the present. I don't know when I'll be back or how long this will take, but just know that I'm okay and I'll be home as soon as I can.

-Love Lavender

It had hit me after the therapy session. I realised I had tried to face every one of my fears and failed pretty much every time. I always backed out as soon as it got too scary. As soon as I thought I looked too weak or pathetic. I had attempted to face each fear, but conquered none.