Borderline Spiraling

The Darkness Inside

TW: depression, references to eating disorders

I cry out

For any help I may receive.

I cry now

Because my words have not been heard by anyone or anything.

I've learned

That my mind is no escape

And the thoughts that may take shape

Within it

Are not the answer.

but my mind is the only thing
left to me
that lets me out
of the whirlwind that is my fears
and the dark
inside.
it is my
prosecutor
and my defense.

I fight and scream and tear at my hair

Which never stays

The same.

It is an outlet of

The chaos that is

My nerves and jumbled

Mind.

I draw those things that bring me

Joy

And let loose my

Darkness

In black ink on paper.

but its not enough.
my mind still swirls
in endless screaming.
i say that im getting better
all the time
that my muscles which are aching are
but a part of
my design.
that my need for
healthy eating
is a good thing that keeps me
alive
but it may be just
the opposite.
the darkness thats inside.

But I exercise to keep myself

From getting too far in

Over my head.

I eat healthier to

Lose the weight because

I care about

My health.

or is it because of
the mirror in
the middle
of the room.

I would like to feel

Confident

In shorts and cute

Outfits.

But my build

Stops me.

or is it my
crippling
self doubt
and insecurity?

I exercise to

Strengthen myself

And keep myself

Happy

And

Active.

or do i do it because i think
im too
weak
otherwise.

I play the guitar to

Soothe my

Screaming mind.

or do i play it because
i know my
achievements without it
arent
at all
impressive.

I write books because I

Enjoy it

Poetry because I

Get my feelings

Out onto a page.

or do i

I do.

The darkness inside would

Disagree

But I made this house

And I'll lie in it too.

I make the rules and as long

As it stays

Under my roof

It will obey.

or will it.

It will.

the house is not yours
you shall not
lie in it.

I will.

the world is not
your oyster.

It is.

the darkness is inside.

It is.

But I am

Stronger.