An Anthology Of Me

Complicating Things

I spent so much time just thinking about how I wanted it to go down.
The words I’d say, the way I’d do it, the time I’d do it.

But one day she surprised me. She said I changed, that I wasn’t as sweet as I used to be, that I felt distant.

I felt like I should be honest, that I should do it now, it’s for the best.
She asked me…

“Do you want to break up?”

I just needed to say it, “I do”, or “yes”, or even nodding would do but I couldn’t.

Why?

What happened?

I was so sure this is what I wanted. That this was better for both of us in the long run. So, why is this happening to me?

My thoughts felt scattered, thinking of multiple scenarios all at once. My mouth felt dry, I found it hard to speak, I forgot everything I wanted to say, everything I wanted to do. I felt lost, confused and scared.
I started crying, tears flowed down my face, I tried to speak but nothing came out. I kept thinking; this is it.
Just say it…

SAY IT!

But I couldn’t.

I couldn’t say anything.

My lips quivered and my mind felt like it would explode as I stared blankly at the distance.

We sat in the silence for what felt like hours, as I tried to collect my thoughts.

At one point I was finally able to speak. But the only words I could think of, the only thing I could utter was…

“I don’t know.”

She said it was fine.

That it must be a lot to take in.

She said I could think about it and that we could just talk about it tomorrow.

She said good night, and we parted ways.

And as I watched her walk away my mind was flooded with thoughts.

Why couldn’t I say it?

Was I just afraid? Or is it that I just still love her? Is that there’s too much history there? What’s going on?

How is that I was so set on it before but I couldn't even say anything?

I thought this would be so easy.

But what do I say now? What do I do?

How do I feel?

Fuck, I just don’t know.

I wish someone could tell me what I should do.

I felt confused, uncertain, I just felt exhausted. I did the only thing I could think of, I went home.

I changed and immediately went to bed. But just couldn't sleep. My thoughts just wouldn't let me.

Is this really what you want? To be alone?

No. I'll meet someone else.

But what if you don't? What if she's the only person that will love you like this?

That can't be true right?

Is this really what you want? Do you want to be with her?

I don't know. What is a good a reason to end a relationship? It's not like I don't have feelings for her still, or want to be with her.

I do!

But is that enough? But you can talk and work out your problems right? That's what mature relationship is right?

But some problems can't be solved by staying together, right?

But how do you know when you should stop trying? How do you know when it's not worth fighting?

You know.

I don't.

You do.

I don't!

Don't lie to yourself. You know it won't work, you know this isn't what you want. Why continue the facade?

But what if I don't know? What if I'm wrong and I lose this forever? What if this was something great, and I just threw it away?

But do you know that's true? But you know that what you feel is true right?

You don't feel completely happy. Is that really okay? To continue pretending to be happy, when you're still searching, hoping for more. Is that fair? Is that okay?

You always wanted to be honest with yourself. Why start lying now? You can never fool me.

I opened my eyes, and slowly sat on the side of my bed. I placed my face in my hands.

It hurts.

I know what to do, but nothing changed. I feel sick, it hurts, I'm scared, I'm anxious.

"Fuck."

I took a deep breath, in an attempt to calm myself down and clear my thoughts. I didn't think I hate it so much to be right, but as time goes on it will just get harder and harder.

I decided to act now, it's now or never.

I picked up my phone, and called her.

It was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey... umm... there's something I just have to say..."

"What is it?"

"I..."

What followed wasn't what I expected to say at all. Even after thinking for so long what it was I wanted to say, how and where I'd say it, in the end it didn't matter. I just had to let her know how I really feel.

She gave a cold reply. Then the call just ended.

But I knew, it was hard for her too, if not much much worse. I wanted to call her again, to try and comfort her. I wanted to help her, but I lost that rite as soon as I said those words. All I could do now is hope she'd be okay.

Morning came. I felt a little hollow, which is to be expected.

I felt like so much happened in such a short time, like a huge storm had just passed. I feel like I want to just lie down in bed all day, but I can't. It doesn't matter that I feel emotionally drained. I still have things to do, deadlines meet.

Time keeps moving forward.

"Good fucking morning, I guess."