"Sonya..." I whisper my sibling's name for the first time in several years. A feeling of dread coursed through my head, chills ran through my arms and back. It was like summoning the devil himself. I often compared that woman to a demon with age. Horns and fangs were all she needed to possess because she wasn't too far off. "I can't forgive her, I can't forget. I tried, I told myself to forget but my subconscious won't let me go a night without remembering. I hate her. I despise that woman. I can't forgive eternally, I can say it but I don't mean it. God has heard me pray that I forgive her but every time I close my eyes I see her, the things she did."
I sat up and swung my legs on one side. I rubbed the moisture away from the corners of my eyes then looked at the woman sitting two feet from me. She offered a tissue box and I took one out with a silent thank you as I wiped my face. I threw the used tissue in that trash can near my seat and sat with my hands interlocked on my lap.
"Do you want to continue?"
I knew she wanted me to and I needed to take this off my chest for my own sake. This is why I finally took the steps into this office. I didn't drag my feet, I didn't beg to leave as soon as the doors opened and closed behind me. I wanted to do this, I wanted this help. I took a calming breath first.
"My mother only wanted us to get along, like when we were kids and she kept reminding me. Then after the summer was over she was gone too. Now I'm alone, I have independence it's all I've ever wanted. I cry whenever I see daisies and smell coconut scents because I miss my mother and my father doesn't know I exist. At least I'm healthy and safe, I pray at night and on Sundays at church that I stay that way. I pray that I never go through that again and I pray... Never to see that woman again."
I sighed profusely, my breath coming out shaken. With pain in my chest, I held onto the fabric of my blouse and took more breaths in through my nose and exhaled out my mouth.
"She's away at a rehabilitation program following the orders of her parole officer, the judge demanded more time when she attacked an innocent bystander. That woman thought I was there, she wanted to hurt me. That's why I stay paranoid."
I know I have post-traumatic stress disorder and that's why I have those horrible nightmares. The panic attacks were just the icing on my crap cake. I don't know why I was born into my life. Sometimes I feel pitiful. I can't change my past but I can create my future that's why I'm studying to become a psychologist. Helping people and showing them that life can get better even if its too dark to see ahead.
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