Boy Erased

Let Me Explain (pt.1) ✔️

My mom chose to put her life on display. It wasn't all bad but I just want normal. I didn't ask for this. I wish they wanted to know me. I am more than just Hope Solo's kid.

"And that ladies and gentlemen is how you find the slope of a line."

I internally groan and put my head down on my desk. It's 6th period and I'm so ready for this day to be over. I'm too sober to be dealing with high school right now. I fucking hate geometry and our teacher is dull as shit.

"Kennedy, am I boring you?" Mr. McMillan asks.

I don't even respond I just keep my head down. I know it's not my teacher's fault for not knowing my name and pronouns because I never came out to them. In my defense, I'm still in the closet only my closest friends know. But it still fucking sucks getting called Kennedy.

"Kennedy! I know you hear me speaking to you."

I sit my head up and look him in the eyes.

"Do you have something more important to be doing right now?" Mr. McMillan asks.

"Yeah and we're almost out of time so finish your lesson."

"Do not speak to me that way."

I'm not going to tolerate this tomfoolery so I grab my bag and walk out of the room. I hear Mr. McMillian yelling my name but fuck him and this school. I quickly grab my skateboard from my locker and leave school grounds. I've been caught a few times by hall monitors goddamn opps. I ride into the part of town where all the tourists go. It's easier to blend in with the crowd. Less of a chance of me getting caught. I go to Taco Bell and get a black bean crunch wrap, 12-pack Cinnabon delights, and a small Mountain Dew Baja freeze. My food is ready within a few minutes which is another perk of the tourist area. I get back on my board and ride away from the town center to the forest. When you're sixteen and you wanna smoke pot without getting arrested you smoke in the forest. The town isn't super small but everybody knows my mom which sucks ass for me. I hear my phone ring and look at the screen and see it's my mom. I let the phone keep ringing and go back to eating my food. I keep the screen facing up and see my mom calling back to back. I put my phone on silent and smoke the rest of the joint I rolled. I look at the screen and notice Mom has stopped calling so I turn my ringer back on. I make my way out of the woods but before I can get on my board I hear my phone ringing again this time it's Juliana so I answer.

-
Me: what do you want

Juliana: Mom just called me

Me: let me guess she wants to know where I am

Juliana: she knows you left school Nik

Me: no really

Juliana: there's no need to be an asshole I have a game so I can come to get you when it's over

Me: No you just focus on your game I'll get home when I get there

Juliana: be careful Nik I'm serious

Me: I will
-

I skate around town just thinking about too much and nothing at the same time. Before I know it the sun starts to set. I'm not going home after ignoring my mom so I go to Oakley's house. I ring the doorbell and River, Oak's dad answers the door. He smiles when he sees me and pulls me in for a hug. We walk into the kitchen where Oak and Gabriela are eating dinner. When Oak sees me she pulls me in for a hug and I smile needing it. I take the empty seat next to Oak and lay my head on her shoulder.

"How was your day?" Gabby asks.

"It was a day." I respond.

"Oh no don't think you're going to get out of trouble that fast. We know you skipped school." River says.

"Dammit Oak!" I mumble, putting my hands over my face.

Oakley's parents are my second parents. If I ever have a problem they're the ones I go to. I know they're going to want me to talk and express my feelings. Especially because they know if I don't tell them I won't tell anybody. I guess this is what happens when you're best friend's parents are psychologists.

"Hun, how about you take Oakley into the living room so Nikolai and I can talk." Gabriela says.

I stare straight into Oak's eyes and throw her daggers. She puts her hands up and walks into the living room. I sigh and look at Gabriela who has an amused look on her face. She motions for me to follow her and we make our way to her home office. Gabby sits down on the sofa and pats the spot next to her. I hesitate before sitting down.

"Tell me what's the real reason you skipped school?"

"It just fucking sucks!"

"I know but Nik you can't just leave. You're mom called here looking for you. So I know you haven't been home. How is that going?"

I shake my head not wanting to talk about it. I stand up but feel Gabby grab my arm and pull me back down. She pulls me into her body and places my head on her shoulder. I feel her arms wrap around me and the next thing I know tears are cascading down my face.

"It's okay. You know even the strongest people need someone."

"It's just I figured it out I'm trans and now looking back it all makes sense. All I want to do is be me but I can't!"

"Why can't you?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Why can't you Nikolai?"

"Because I'm afraid!"

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself down. Gabby sits me up and gives me a tissue to wipe my face.

"I have to come out and that's a scary thing."

"Nik I know you feel like things are spiraling out of control right now. But your only obligation is to yourself. Just because it's a different life doesn't mean it's a worse one."

I look away from Gabby and take a deep breath trying to stop the tears. I try to quickly wipe them away but she stops me. Gabby takes a tissue a gently wipes away my tears.

"You don't have to hide your hurt here. Okay."

I nod my head and lay back down with Gabby. The comfort she gives me is something I've never had. Life shouldn't be this hard.