Boy Erased

Let Me Explain (pt. 5) ✔️

‼️ Trigger Warning ‼️

This chapter includes: self-harm, drug use, and suicidal behavior.

Please do not read this chapter if you're not in a stable mindset due to the potentially disturbing content. For those of you who aren't able to read this chapter do not worry. The next chapter is written to compensate those who will have to skip this one.

Stay Strong x

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We pull into our driveway and Julie turns the car off. We both sit in the car not saying a word knowing all hell is going to break loose when we get inside.

"Are you ready?" Julie asks.

"Not at all."

I sigh and open the door. We decide to go through the front trying to delay the inevitable. We open and close the door thankfully not running into anybody.

"Kennedy Juliana is that you?" Mom yells.

Dammit, I spoke too soon.

"Yeah, mom it's us." Julie says.

I give Julie a look and motion to the stairs. She nods her head and we head upstairs.

"Stop and come here!" Mom yells.

Fuck we were so close! I take a deep breath in and follow Julie into the living room. I see Dad sitting on the couch next to Mom. What the fuck universe he's supposed to be at work!

"You're too quiet what's going on?" Mom asks.

"Nothing." Julie says.

"Where did you go?" Dad asks.

"Kennedy, why are you hiding being your sister?" Mom asks.

I take a deep breath and move next to Julie. Mom looks at me and squints her eyes like she's trying to figure out what's going on.

"Why do you still have your hood on?" Mom asks.

Mom looks at my hood and it's like I can see her putting together all the pieces.

"Let me see." Mom says.

"Hope, see what?" Dad asks.

I sigh and stand in front of them. I take my hood off and feel the warmth leaving my head. A taper fade and shoulder-length cut is what replaced the hair that once fell to the middle of my back. I look at Mom's face and I've never seen this expression before.

"Kennedy what the fuck!" Dad screams.

"I thought we talked about this!" Mom yells.

I hear the stairs creak and look behind me seeing Mave making his way down.

"I told you we should have gotten her checked out! Now we're dealing with this bullshit!" Dad yells.

"You don't even und-"

"Understand! What is there to understand?" Mom screams cutting me off.

"I'm transgender!"

I feel like the world slows down and I can see everyone's reactions one at a time. I can feel my heart thumping in my chest and I have to remind myself to breathe. Nobody is saying anything and it's killing me.

"What did you just say?" Mom asks.

"I'm transgender."

"What the hell is wrong with you? We did not raise you to be like this! You are no child of mine."

Shaking my head I turn around and go upstairs to my room. I lock my door and pace back and forth. Feeling the tears wanting to escape makes me angry. Punching the wall over and over again I feel the tears fall making me even more upset so I hit the wall harder and harder. A shooting pain runs up my arm so I stop and close my eyes. I try to but I can't seem to calm myself. Feeling my hands throbbing I look down at my bleeding knuckles. I look up seeing blood smeared on the wall. There are dents and the paint is cracked but there's no hole. My hands are swollen and painful to move but it doesn't matter because it's not enough. My mind is racing and all of my thoughts are screaming. Going to my dresser I feel underneath for the small piece of metal. I've tried to stop so many times and the places I can hide them are getting smaller and smaller. But there's no need to hide it anymore. They aren't going to care. They don't care about me anymore. Rolling my sleeves up I look at the blank canvas. Taking a deep breath I make the first cut. That familiar feeling of calm washes over my body but it's gone as quick as it came. I slice back and forth, up and down going deeper than I've ever before. It feels like I'm floating. The blade slips out of my hand and I look down at my forearm. There's blood everywhere and I can see the yellow and white tissue. I grab an ace bandage and wrap my arm before putting my hoodie back on. I walk over to the mirror and look at myself. I'm so tired of pretending for them. The relief is gone and all that's left is the throbbing in my hands and arm. I go to the floorboard and smile when I find a baggy of white powder. I haven't done coke in months. Clearing a space on the edge of my dresser I spill out the substance. I find a credit card and separate the coke creating five lines. Covering one nostril I sniff two lines. Fuck! I hate the feeling of this shit in my nose. I sit back and wait for the burning to go away before going back to sniff the other three lines. I grab a tissue because my nose starts to bleed. Feeling my head start to spin I lay down on my bed. I hear a thumping sound and I ignore it until it gets louder. Annoying ass noise! I stand up and realize it's the door. I unlock it and Juliana is standing there looking like someone killed her puppy. I roll my eyes and go sit down on my bed. Julie comes inside and closes the door behind her. I grab my pink peep plush and run my hands up and down the soft material.