Boy Erased

Let Me Explain (pt.4) ✔️

"We need to talk."

I reach the last step and look at Mom. I just nod my head and walk into the kitchen. I make a bowl of cereal and sit at the dining table. Mom pulls out a chair across from me and sits down.

"Are you going to tell me where you were all night?" Mom asks.

"Nope."

"Come on Kennedy I just really want to know where you were."

"It doesn't matter why are we talking anyway?"

"We're talking because we need to. Something is going on with you Kennedy and I just want to help. I can't help if you don't let me in."

I just shake my head and finish my cereal. Mom sighs and walks away from the table. She doesn't think that after all we've been through that I'm just gonna spill my guts to her does she? I put my bowl in the sink and then go upstairs so I can shower. I open my door and see Julie sitting on my bed. I shake my head and ignore her grabbing my shower stuff.

"So what are you just going to ignore me?" Julie asks.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say you're going to stop disappearing for hours. I want you to say that you're hurting and you need help."

"What the fuck are you my therapist?"

"Nik I just-"

"No! When I'm ready to talk I'll talk. Until then just worry about yourself."

I leave my room and go to the bathroom. What the fuck is up with everyone today? I get in the shower, which doesn't last long because I hate showers. When I get out I look in the mirror and run my fingertips over the scars. Some healed and some days old. Oak and Julie are the only people who know that I self-harm. I wanted to hide it from them the most. I shake my head and leave the bathroom before I make any more stupid decisions. I open my bedroom door and see that Julie is gone. I go to my dresser, find a pair of boxers, and squeeze into my binder. I hear my doorknob turning and run to my bed. I get under the covers not caring about not being completely dry. The door opens and Mom walks in closing the door behind her.

"Kennedy I know that you don't want to talk to me. But if not me then someone. I'll set up appointments with Gabriela if that's what it'll take."

"I don't want to talk. I want everyone to leave me alone. Why the fuck does everyone want to fix me!"

"I don't want to fix you! I just don't know what's going on. Things used to be so different and then you just became so distant."

"Mom, please. I just can't right now."

Mom nods her head and leaves my room closing the door behind her. That's when I know she's genuinely worried. Mom never closes my door completely. I just shake my head and get up to lock the door. I'm just happy she didn't see anything. I go to the floorboard and grab the mason jar along with a game leaf and my mini rolling tray. I get my blunt rolled I make sure to grab my lighter. Opening my window I climb out and sit on the roof. Lighting the blunt I take the first pull. As I smoke more I can feel all of the stress melt away. I only take a few hits because I know dinner will be soon. I'm already getting enough questions today. Why I smell like weed isn't going to be one of them. I climb back into my room and change the hoodie I smoked in. I grab a pair of shorts realizing I'm only in my boxers. There's a knock at my door and I don't want to but I open it. Juliana is standing there with a bag of sour patch kids. I open the door wider so she can come in and turn on Spotify for some background noise so we can talk. Julie plops on my bed and I sit down next to her. I accept the candy and pick out a red and blue sour patch kid. They're the only flavors I eat.

"I'm sorry Nik I just push because I'm worried about you."

"I know things look bad but I'm okay."

"You're not okay Nik! You can tell that to someone else but I can see it when I look at you. I can feel it."

I sigh and put my hands over my face. Juliana and Oakley, are the two people who can read me like a book. I hate it. I put my head on Julie's chest and she runs her hands through my hair. I wish I could just chop it off. I sit up and grab my phone and look at the time.

2:56 PM

"If I wanted to do something would you come with me?"

Julie gives me a questionable look, "What do you have in mind?"

I unlock my phone and scroll through my albums finding the picture I've been saving for months. I give my phone to Julie and she looks at it for a bit before handing it back to me.

"I'm in do you want to go today?"

"Yes please."

I smile and pull Julie in for a hug. I don't even think she understands how much this means to me.

"There's just a small problem I'm kinda grounded."

"Just throw on some sweatpants and let me worry about the rest."

I nod my head and Julie leaves my room. I find some black Nike sweatpants and a white long sleeve thrasher shirt. I make my way to Juliana's room and knock on the door. She opens it and I see she's also in Nike sweatpants. We go downstairs and find Mom in the living room.

Mom looks away from the TV and sees both of us standing there. She gives us a look before pausing her show.

"What's going on?" Mom asks.

"We need some twin time." Julie says.

"No Juliana, Kennedy is grounded." Mom replies.

"Mom I know but a lot is going on right now. We just want like two hours. Please." Julie whines.

"The both of you better be back in this house in two hours. Don't make me regret letting you leave."

We leave the house and Julie unlocks the car. We climb in and she pulls out of the driveway. We drive to a shopping plaza that's ten minutes away from the house. Julie finds a parking space and I see the barbershop.

"Are you sure about this Nik?"

"I've never been more sure about something in my life."