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THIRTY SEVEN | ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL
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'you are a man,' i say. 'you are an average, lazy, boring, cowardly, woman-fearing man.'
-gone girl // gillian flynn
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It was well past ten o'clock at night when someone started hammering on Jackie's door. Groaning, she paused the stupid soap opera she was watching — it was one of El's favorites and she was doing her god-damn best to get into it — and went to the door. Before her, soaking wet, stood El and Max.
"Um, what the hell, guys?"
"Something's wrong!" El yelled.
Ice water poured down Jackie's back. She gulped thickly and tried to catch her breath. How could she be so stupid as to think it was over? How could she think nothing would ever touch them again?
"What?"
"I can feel it," El said fretfully. She was soaked to the bone, shivering on her doorstep. "It's— I know it, Jackie."
Setting her jaw, Jackie opened her door all the way and ushered them inside. "Okay," she said. "We'll figure this out. But you guys need to get dry first."
Before they could protest, she sprinted upstairs and pulled some sweatpants and t-shirts from her and drawers. She held the clothes up for the girls and did her best to offer a comforting smile.
"Get changed and I'll throw your clothes into the washer and dryer, okay?"
"Thanks," Max said, moving first to grab the clean clothes Jackie had offered. "Sorry to, like, barge in. We tried calling."
Jackie smiled thinly. "My phone's off the hook."
It had been for the last three days. She didn't want to talk to anyone, and she didn't want people calling her up to see how she was. She just wanted to sit, watch bad movies, and process on her own schedule. She most certainly did not want to talk it through, like Peggy wanted. She was fine. She just needed time, and nobody was willing to give her that. So, she took the phone off the hook.
"Why?" El asked. "That's stupid."
Jackie's eyebrows sprang up at El's harshness.
"El," Jackie said softly. "Don't— Don't talk like that. How could I have known you were going to—"
"Call you?" El snapped. "I always call you!"
"I'm allowed to have some time for myself," Jackie said, trying to remain calm. She'd been volatile for the past few days, but El didn't need her to blow up. El was clearly upset about something, and Max's face confirmed that something was indeed at least a little off. "El, why don't you go change and we can all calm down. Yeah?"
