A Perfect Storm

The October Livestream

Taylor woke up the morning of October 13 feeling like she'd been hit by a truck. She'd let her emotions take over the night before, her anxiety about telling the fans some of what had been happening in her life but concealing one very large secret weighed on her, and adding in the pregnancy hormones had made for a night of sobbing that left her feeling drained and with a headache the size of Texas the next morning. Pregnancy is sort of like the world's worst hangover,she mused, but without the fun from the night before. And you can't take medicine that actually works for anything. She couldn't just lay in bed though, if she knew her body, it was only a matter of time before the first wave of morning sickness hit, and she would prefer to have something in her stomach to actually throw up. She'd tried all the tricks she could find on the internet and through her mom friends, but none of them seemed to make any difference. Eating saltines before she even sat up had just left her bed full of crumbs. Almonds had been universally recommended, and although they did seem to help later in the day, they did nothing for that first wave. Potatoes had been recommended but...she couldn't exactly bake a potato every morning from her bed, so she'd resigned herself to just...throwing up every morning.

"I hope you know how much I love you," she said to the tiny bump that had formed the last few days. It wasn't noticeable with clothes on, though they were definitely a bit tighter at the waist, but when it was just her, she could definitely see it peeking out just a little. "I wouldn't let you do this to me if I didn't love you more than anything." She figured she might have started showing sooner if she'd been gaining the weight she was supposed to, but that would require keeping down foods that weren't almonds, granny smith apples, saltines, and decaf coffee. She TRIED other foods, the baby just didn't seem to like them. Any of them. I'm twelve weeks now. Second trimester, work your magic. In the kitchen, she pulled out a nutrition bar her OB/GYN had recommended, thinking that maybe at least some of the nutrients would remain when she inevitably saw it again later. Sadly, it just didn't appeal to her. She HAD finally gained a few of the pounds recommended, but she also knew it was healthier for them both if she could keep down a bit more.

It was early yet, the livestream not scheduled for hours, but that didn't mean she didn't have things to accomplish. She didn't know if it was possible, but she'd set her team a challenge - see if there was a way for her to do just one large venue show before she got too pregnant for choreo and heels. If she couldn't do a tour, maybe she could pull off one big show, bringing in fans from all over the globe, and then livestream it as it happened to all the other fans who couldn't be inside the stadium. Her dream was to play for one hundred thousand live, with at least another five hundred thousand on the stream. She didn't know if it was even possible to get it booked, never mind pull off her other goal, which was that it wouldn't cost any of them anything to attend, other than time off work. It was going to cost her a fortune, since she probably wouldn't get any sponsors for a one-off, but her fans deserved it since she was letting them down by not touring the album.

It probably wouldn't happen, but she was trying to get things together just in case. Today, it was reviewing possible venues. She had wanted to play somewhere that already seated that many as a football stadium, but the three largest stadiums in the US were all in the snowy midwest and that wouldn't do for a concert in winter. She was going to have to try for California or maybe Texas, but that presented challenges. At any rate, she wasn't announcing any of that today. And she needed to tackle the first thing first - breakfast. Even if it was coming back, she had to try.

Peanut butter toast, a banana, and a glass of chocolate milk. Set a recent-memory record of fifteen whole minutes before the baby rejected her choices. Apple, saltines and coffee it is. She followed those up with a shower, and then picked out a chunky knit sweater and leggings, the only pants that she didn't have to use the hair-tie trick to close. Add in a pair of boots and she felt ready for her day. She had hair and makeup coming later; even though she wanted a pretty casual, fairly natural look, she knew she also wanted to look like Taylor for the fans. Not 'I've thrown up every day of the last two months and I'm tired' girl.

-

The moment she shut the door behind her publicist, she found herself engulfed in a hug. "How are you feeling? You look good."

Taylor shook her head. That was just Lorrie's magic. She'd had to let her makeup artist in on the secret after she bolted from the chair with only one eye done, but she agreed she looked far less tired than she felt when she was finished. "I'm okay. I'll be glad once the morning sickness finally passes. Supposedly that's any day now, but this little one doesn't seem to know that." She raised her sweater just enough to splay her hand over that tiny bump.

"Good call with the sweater. I can actually see it, just a little." Tree bent down to eye level. "You let your mama start feeling better, okay? Growing you is hard work as it is." Tree stood up with an emphatic nod. "That should do it."

Taylor threw her head back and laughed. "Yes. My morning sickness is cured! Why didn't I think to ask you first?"

Tree shrugged, then chuckled herself. "Want to go over the script before the stream? I know you're going to deviate a little because you have to go with what you feel, but I also want you to make sure you hit the important points and practice talking around the thing we're not talking about yet, make sense?"

Taylor nodded, pulling out the journal where she'd been writing her notes and flopping down on her couch. "Sure. But I think first I'd better eat something, the last thing I need is to vomit on a world-wide livestream."

_

"Hey guys, it's Taylor. I wanted to thank you all so much, first of all, for all the love and support you've given to Lover. It's an album that I love so much and I'm so proud of and I'm so proud to own, and you guys have just gone above and beyond to make sure I know how much you love it and how excited you are about it. I also want to say thank you for giving me some space. You guys know about one big thing that happened to me that week in September, the whole world knows about that one, but something else, even bigger, happened that week that really threw me. Oh, and I know you are all super excited for a tour announcement and I'm sorry to say this isn't that. There is a lot at play that is affecting my ability to plan a tour right now, and I hate that because I feel like I'm letting you guys down.

So, yeah, I do want you guys to know that I still love this album, even though a lot of it is about a person who isn't part of my life anymore and isn't ever going to BE a part of my life. EVER. again. But it's still complicated, because I found out I was and had been getting cheated on only days before the whole world did at a time that a lot of other things were coming at me. I know it's been a month but I'm genuinely still processing everything that happened there. But I don't want you guys attacking anyone over it. And I've seen some very specific comments about the fact that I was dating a guy who cheated on me with a guy and apparently y'all didn't listen to You Need To Calm Down closely enough because the genders of the people involved and their sexualities don't have any contribution to what happened, and y'all need to separate those things out. And now I'm rambling because I don't want to talk about the other thing from that week.

And I'm sorry, because I'm totally going to be emotional here, and I really try not to do that. But I know a lot of you have had questions since we put out the statement after the video spread, and included the fact that I was also dealing with some 'private family matters' as well as the realities of being cheated on for six months and having just found out about it. And a lot of you wondered if maybe you could figure out what those were and I know it made you guys worry and I never wanted to do that, but at the same time, I can't say you were wrong. I hate that you're not wrong. And now I'm already crying and I haven't even said the hard parts yet, sorry guys." Taylor grabbed a tissue from the side table and dabbed at her eyes. She'd known there was no way her hormonal self could get through this tear-free. "Hormones really exaggerate your emotions sometimes. I know all of you who get periods probably know what I'm talking about." She and Tree had rehearsed that specific line, knowing her fans would just assume she was on her period and go about their lives. It wasn't a lie. She WAS hormonal, and people who got periods probably could relate.

"Um, so, I've never really talked about this with you guys before, and I want you to know that a lot of family discussion went into deciding to do it now. That same week, when my relationship crashed and burned, was also the week we got some really critical test results for my mom. They...weren't at all what we hoped. And the recommendations from her doctors were to move to palliative care. Which, for those of you fortunate enough not to have ever had to learn the vocabulary of cancer, means we're switching from aggressive treatments designed to defeat the cancer and prolong life, to treatments designed to improve quality of life for however long she has left. So that was...obviously...a huge blow for the whole family." Taylor dabbed her cheeks and under her eyes with another tissue.

"So, yeah, I really haven't been all that focused on touring or music just now. I haven't even really focused on what happened in my relationship. I'm just...taking things a day at a time right now. And I want to thank all of you for letting me. Well wishes, good vibes and prayers are all very much accepted, but I hope that you guys will continue letting us deal with things privately. I'm only really telling you so you can see why after it seemed like everything was full-steam ahead for Lover and promo and tour it's now all suddenly come to a screeching halt. And why it's still going to take me some time to get myself together again. My mom is doing okay right now, nothing much has changed in the day to day. Honestly the change in treatment will probably make her feel better, at least in the short term, which will be an upside. It just changes my ability to plan so far ahead, you know? So as to not end this video on a completely downer note, I have been watching two cats snuggle this whole time and I think you guys should see this..." Taylor turned the camera around and aimed the phone at Dibbles and Benji, curled up together on the sofa opposite where she'd been sitting for the livestream.

"So, I'm doing another one of these in a month to just sort of keep you guys informed about where I'm at and what's going on in my life. Thanks again for being so incredibly patient with me. I'll be online, I think, more than I have been, so, guess I'll see you guys there." Taylor set the phone back down so that she had both hands free. "Love you," she held up the heart hands that had become her signature. "Bye."

The moment Taylor ended the stream, she slumped back onto the couch. It had gone, she thought, okay. Tree had given her a thumbs up. But now she was just emotionally exhausted and sort of wanted to eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's but she wasn't entirely sure she was up for the eventual repercussions of that. She handed the phone she'd used for the stream to Tree for safekeeping. It was her 'internet phone.' The one where she was signed in to all her social media and could post to her accounts and check-in on the fans. For now, Tree was just going to put up some pre-written posts directing Swifties to her insta story and then silently collect the reactions to know what, if anything, they needed to address going forward. Taylor was going to try to be hands-off on this one, at least at first. She didn't need to see all the negativity that was sure to surface just because she wasn't doing a tour, nor did she feel prepared to deal with the waves of sympathy that were going to cascade down from her followers.

Tree handed her her other phone. A nearly identical iPhone but without any social media apps other than the messaging apps she used to text her family and close friends. This one contained the feedback she actually cared about in this moment. "Love you" from her mom. "Well done, Teffy" from Austin. "Tell my grandchild I love them" from her dad. Older messages, too, from before the stream. "Will you be back in Nashville in two weeks? We get another ultrasound then but Matt has to travel for work so I thought you might come with?" was Abigail's message, to which she replied she'd be there. She was enjoying the relative solitude of her New York penthouse. It was easy enough to order in Postmates and have groceries delivered. No one even knew she was home, since she'd made sure to make the Rhode Island house look occupied. But she was safe to travel, no complications or concerns with the pregnancy, so she would definitely be there for Abigail. Not to mention she wanted to visit her mom again. Andrea had told her to go live her life, nothing much had changed just yet. But this would be the perfect excuse for a week at home.

"Holy fuck, Swift. No wonder you haven't had time for me! Still in town through next week, would love to bring over ice cream, whiskey or both so we can throw darts at that fucker's nuts. Wanker." Taylor wondered if she was supposed to read that in Cara's distinctly posh accent in her head, but it made her chuckle. She appreciated that her friend had chosen to focus on her ex over the other news she'd shared. Cara had actually known about that before, having been one of the four friends to text her the video from that event in London. But she hadn't had a chance to fill her friend in on the rest of the story.

"Ice cream. Bring ice cream. Maybe tomorrow?" Taylor knew it was time to start sharing her news with her NON-mom friends. Lily Aldridge had been a huge source of support while she kept things on the DL, and both Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson had been more than willing to talk logistics of getting back out there AFTER the baby. Beyoncé had even sent her a selection of ginger candies that had helped her get through the early weeks. But beyond the ones she thought might be able to offer much needed advice or answer questions, she hadn't really told any of her friends besides Abigail. She might as well start with Cara.

"Gurrrrrl" That one was Todrick. They were already having lunch later that week when he had a break in his schedule, so he would also get the news first-hand, though not until they were safely back in her apartment so no one could hear one of her more dramatic friends react to the news. She reminded him that she would catch him up then and got a hug gif back. She wondered what she'd done to deserve him. She hoped he'd be as excited about the baby as she was. The baby would need all kinds of different influences if they were going to grow up to be the sort of person Taylor wanted to raise, and Todrick would be an excellent male influence.

"So many people are going to help me raise you," Taylor bowed her head to speak directly to the baby. "They're going to love you and teach you things and help make sure you know you're very, very loved. I just hope one day the fans will forgive what I've had to let go to make this happen. Because it's worth it, even if I AM going to throw up again." Taylor rolled her eyes as she dashed again to the bathroom. The relief from morning sickness that was promised in trimester two couldn't come soon enough. That and fatigue were the only real negative symptoms she was having, though she'd noticed other changes. "You'll grow faster if you let me keep down food, you know." Taylor heaved herself off the floor of the guest bathroom. It was almost dinner time, so she'd need to put in an order for food, or cook something, but the idea of raw meat made her want to sprint back the way she'd come. Nope. Postmates would have to do.

"I'm going to order food, Tree, want any?" Taylor stuck her head into the office where her publicist was just setting the internet phone to charge and preparing for an evening of data gathering.

"Chinese? Chicken and rice might actually work for you. Or classic American, soup or something?" Tree knew what her client liked, but she also knew how hard Taylor had been struggling to find foods that worked.

"Chinese. It actually sounds kinda good." A few taps on her screen and their usual order was on its way. "Thanks, by the way, for everything. You've been a huge help, not just with dealing with the pr disaster that is my life right now, but also the life stuff. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime, Taylor." Tree stepped over and gave her a hug. "Anytime."

A/N: I'm toying with the idea of doing a little livestream each month of the pregnancy, but shorter than my usual chapters. Will I make that happen? Stay tuned, lmao, because I have no idea. The November one, at least, is started. We'll see what happens from there.

Thanks for reading!