Hey, well as the writer you know this is unusual... usually you write in a journal and stuff that book deep in a clutter of things where not one soul would find it. But now.. you're writing anonymously where everyone can read.. how weird. The power of the internet, am i right?
Things are awfully chaotic at the moment. Im piled with school work cause ya girl is trying to get her degree. Im chasing my mathematics degree through all corners and it is exhausting. Not to mention all other stresses that come with life for example, family, friends, relationships and love. I think not one thing is going well for me right now.
For a disclaimer though, i don't mean to come off depressing. If you would know me in person you'd say what everyone else says... i smile and laugh all the time no matter what. But if you know me more than the commoners you'd see through my disguise. My pathetic excuse of a disguise. Im hurt. In not broken or a lost cause because i know better than that. I know with enough work and dedication one can achieve whatever they set their mind to.. just that its very fucking hard to persevere the hardships life throws at you.
I wanna say I'm depressed but i may be misdiagnosing myself. People seem to have made being depressed a trendy thing, which is weird. What i do know though is that i think more than what i speak, and I'm not even that smart. You'd think I'd have my nose in textbooks and writing research papers since I'm pursuing a mathematics degree but nope. Im just like you. Average. Don't take offense to that. Statistically speaking yea you are most likely an average individual.
For right now I'd say I'm in the part of my life where everything seems to be going against me. Things aren't going in my favor. Although i do believe its been going on for a while.. well before you say I'm a sad soul in my defense i don't have guidance. I'm figuring out things on my own.. because no one is holding my hand and telling me is gonna be okay. Sometimes i just wish somebody would because although they are just words they comfort me.
A lie of a better future.
I believe everything will work itself out. I do. How long will it take though? How much more work? How much more pain? I don't know.
I'll lay in bed tonight, calculating most likely. Calculating my future plan. Something i will probably not stick to but it will give me hope.
And hope... hope is all you need.
.
Im dreading going home... if its even that. I don't live with my family anymore, i moved in with my boyfriend. My friends call him abusive. To an extent.. i know he is. But i love him. At times. He's done everything he shouldn't have but I cannot seem to let him go. I choose to believe that it is because i love him, but it could also be that I'm scared of losing people close to me. You see he was there every day after my mothers passing. I might have latched onto him to save myself. I was empty inside. I did not care. Grades dropped, friendships slowed down, family was ruined, i died with her.
4.10.18
Without being in the same car as her the crash killed me too.. i had a routine. School, work, bed. Repeat. Although i was like this somehow i kept up image. I talked, i worked, and occasionally but very rarely i laughed.
But with him.. things disappeared. He didn't know my mother was murdered in a car crash. So he treated me new. Called me every night. Ate lunch with me at school. And by the end of the school year. I was scared to say goodbye despite knowing him for 1 month. So we kept contact. Started to go on dates and soon he became my first boyfriend. July 14, 2018. I asked him, how embarrassing. But then his colors began to show.
His random bursts of anger. Accusing me of affairs. Not responding to my texts or calls. If only i had know he was cheating since the beginning, maybe things would be different. Maybe I wouldn't have grown so attached to him.
I didn't find out till December 23, 2018. He had stayed at my place for about a week. Then suddenly one night he didn't call or text he was just a no show.
My dad had been admitted to the hospital and it was my turn to stay with him. The next morning? I received the Dm's on instagram. Pricilla. She confessed. How they had an affair just a few days ago.
I was devastated. My dad was getting discharged and my whole family was there. I had to hold it all in. I'm quite good at that. Once we reached home i gave him a call and told him to meat me at the community college park next to my neighborhood. He felt something was up but went either way.
Confronting him was difficult. I didn't know what to say or do. It was obvious though wasn't. I should have turned away and never even let him explain himself. The bastard admitted what he'd done.
I took him back a few days later... his family came down to visit from a different state and they invited me to come over. I went. Things slipped back to normal. On new years day we slept together. It was to soon. I didn't care at the moment, lets say it was the influence.
Our story begins to develop again but this time around, I questioned everything he said and did. We fought... a lot, we still do. In my point of view its him, always him. Every now and then i get off my pedestal and admit i might have been wrong.
But I cannot ignore the things he has done for me. Helped me in times of need, changed his act, recently he's even started to attend counseling sessions. Thats another matter for another time.
The point is though we fought again last night. He left me semi-stranded this morning and it hurts. To think sometimes he just doesn't give a damn about me. Its not all the time but it happens. Sadly.
