Philosophy of a Dumbass

INTRODUCTION

Being a self-proclaimed "professional writer and literary artist," I've frequently found myself struggling with creative bankruptcy (I've never quite grown fond of the term "writer's block"), which has manifested itself several times throughout my life, mostly when attempting to conceive some sort of literary creation, artwork, or even YouTube videos. I personally believe this may be due to my tendency to procrastinate when it comes to certain things, and while I understand it's not a particularly fantastic habit, it's a habit nonetheless. You may find it odd that I use higher-level terminology when conveying my thoughts and emotions through pencil and paper (or, on the off-chance you're reading this in an actual book, my computer). The answer as to why I do this is pretty much up for debate. Perhaps I do it to prove to the world that I am, in fact, quite intelligent, but just don't show it, or maybe it's to prove something to myself (what that "something" is, I don't know). The fact of the matter is, many people view me as an imbecile - an opinion that, quite unfortunately, didn't seem possible to change. Over the years, however, I've progressively realized that I can, in fact, change those opinions (albeit indirectly) through hard work and dedication to improving myself as a person.

Something I really despise acknowledging is the fact that I have Asperger's syndrome. As I've grown, I've looked back on the past with more and more disgust towards myself for my failure to successfully integrate myself into society like normal people. Because of this burden I'm carrying, I've lost several friends due to my involuntary inability to communicate properly, and it breaks my heart to know I may never make amends with these people again.

The reason I consider Asperger's a "burden" is because I'm afraid of being treated differently than everyone else, effectively being put on a societal pedestal overlooking the "normal" people, simply out of pity. I don't want that. I want to be treated like everyone else is, not like a social outcast everybody feels bad for because his brain works differently than theirs. That just makes it worse. Although I do feel that communicating my... "unique trait" (for lack of a better term) may assist people in understanding me on a more personal level, I can't help but feel oddly shameful for it, even though I have no control.

When I'm thrown into groups of people I don't typically associate with (or don't even know), I feel like even more of a social outcast. Thanks to my anxiety (oh, right, I forgot to mention I suffer from that, too), I always have the lingering fear of "those people probably don't like me" or "they probably don't want me around."

But hey, that's just my paranoia... right?

Right?