Philosophy of a Dumbass

NEVAEH

The fact that I'm naming an entire chapter after my girlfriend should show to you how much she really means to me. She's my entire world. My plan after high school is actually to move into an apartment with her, and after some time, say the craziest thing I've ever said in my life (but we'll get to all that in a future chapter).

"What's so special about her?" I hear you asking.

The special thing about Nevaeh is that she makes me feel more loved than I've ever felt before. The adorable little squeak she makes when I join her video calls always brightens my day, no matter how low I'm feeling. It's truly a wonderful thing to experience, I tell you - knowing that she's genuinely that excited to see me (nobody I know seems to care about me nearly as much, based on my evaluation) makes me feel amazing, and my spirits are instantaneously lifted, which isn't an easy thing to do when I'm in a state of distress.

As I was growing up, I promised myself that, if I were to ever fall in love or get married, I would never fight my significant other, because I didn't want to go into adulthood as an angry, stress-riddled man who struggled day in and day out, fighting with his wife over something ridiculously miniscule, such as why I was home three minutes late, or why the two liter Coca-Cola bottle is already halfway empty. I don't want to grow up the way my parents did - they're angry, irrational, and somewhat spontaneous when making decisions, which I've seen to be very toxic (dare I say, childish) traits.

I think it goes without saying I would never harm Nevaeh, nor would I ever let anybody else (even herself) harm her. I'm going to protect myself with all my life, in any given situation, even if it kills me, and if anybody ever lays so much as a finger on her, I will personally hunt them down, break their ribs, and stand over them, staring down in triumph as they crumple to the floor and bleed internally. Call me a sadistic psychopath, but I'm simply trying to protect her. All I want is to ensure her wellbeing, be it mentally, physically, emotionally, or otherwise, and I'm going to do anything and everything in my power to do that.

I told you, she means the world to me.

This is where we begin to get a little insight into my biggest fear of all.

Not spiders.

Not tornadoes.

Losing her.

You can call it whatever you want: clinginess, obsession, whatever. But the fact of the matter is, it's legitimately my biggest fear. I'm afraid of her growing tired of me, or meeting and falling for somebody else, and leaving me. She's my entire world, and she is the only person on this giant, greasy cheeseball of a planet we call "Earth" that I will ever want to be with in my life. She gives me purpose, gives me meaning - without her, I'm but an empty shell of a human being. I love her to death, and - as I said before - will do anything and everything in my power to keep her safe and happy.

I want so badly to ask her to marry me, and I understand she may think it's a little early, and my family would call me absolutely insane, but I genuinely feel like she's the girl I've been looking for all this time. Of course, I'm aware my friends (and possibly my family) will read this and I will subsequently become the target of endless ridicule and criticism. Well, you know what? Go ahead and bash me. See if I care. At least she and I don't get into childish arguments over the smallest things (hell, we don't fight PERIOD), and I don't ever - and I mean EVER - want to hear "you don't know what you want" or "you don't understand what you're getting yourself into" from parents whose all-too-frequent fighting caused me to develop an anxiety disorder which can only be subsided using 50mg doses of Fluoxetine anti-depressant capsules.