L A C U N A

NUMB

I don't know what led me to this. Honestly there's never been some huge traumatic event that happened to me in my lifetime. Maybe it was seeing my dad slowly kill himself with alcohol. Maybe it was when my best friend, my grandmother (sad isn't it) died thanksgiving morning. Maybe it was that time my cousin touched me under the blankets when I didn't even know what it was like to be touched in my 'Bermuda Triangle'. That's what I had always called it at least, it was the place everyone was too scared to reach. But none of that actually hurt me emotionally in the moment. Or maybe it did. I don't know, all I know is that my mom always tried her best to make me feel loved. It didn't work though.

Freshman year all I did was smoke weed. Something at the time was SUPER rebellious to me, and to think, now it's legal. At that point I'm pretty sure I was dating a guy, Adam. He was a junior, not sure why he was interested in me though. He liked acid, even more than that he loved cocaine. Back then that disgusted me. Adam used to tell me he was going downstairs to get pizza or use the bathroom or something like that. He'd come upstairs, white rim on his cute nose, sniffling like he was sick. If I had known then what I would be doing just a year and a half later I probably wouldn't have been as judge mental.

Drugs never seemed interesting to me when I was younger. I don't know what happened to that thought. Maybe it's because the sadness faded and after that It was just numbness. Now the only time I feel something, I mean truly feel something, is when my mind is being suffocated by things everyone knows will kill you. Selfishly, I don't care. Everyone dies at one point and I don't want to make it past 40 anyways. I'm terrified of getting old. You may be thinking "what are you going to do when you graduate then?" And to be honest, I don't have an answer for that. You should see my transcript, you'd be horrified.

I'm not suicidal though. I'm sure everything I've said makes you want to call a safe to tell number or something, but I could never end my own life. I'm too scared. There is no god in my mind. I wish so much to just be religious, but I can't. I think I listened to my astrology teacher more than I should've. To me, After death there's nothing. Just an endless blackness. And that.. makes me more scared than anything ever could.