All The Pain Endured

NEVER enough

It's never fucking enough. For anyone. I'm never enough. Whatever I do is never enough. Who I want to be, is never enough. Who I am is never enough. 

It's. Just. Never. Enough. 

My heart hurts so bad. It just pumps with pain. All I feel constantly is pain. People telling me how I am letting them down. I see in people's eyes, how I am letting them down. I don't even try anymore to fix it because if I do try, it's. Never. Enough. 

They tell me how I should feel? I try. They tell me how I should be? I try. 

My head hurts yet it's empty. Joy, is just a word to me. My body only seems to want to produce tears. 

I'm paranoid all the time. I'm always shaking. 

My frustration gets taken out on the people who care for me? But do they care for me? They can't care for me because I am not enough. There's so many rules and too many feelings being hurt and cared for but mine. 

NO ONE CARES FOR MY EMOTIONS BECAUSE THEY AREN'T ENOUGH! 

I'm not enough for people to care about. I'm not enough for people to listen to. I'm not enough to just want a normal life and be a normal person with normal happy thoughts. I'm not enough. I am waste. Why am I here? Honestly. Why am I here if I'm not enough. I don't want prayer, I don't want "it will get better". I just need it to be there. I don't want something that WILL be answered. I want something that is answered. I don't want happiness that WILL be here. I just want it here and now. 

This feeling of self pity, despair, sober, gray, death, anxiety, tiredness, frustration, pain, and numbness is all in one. I just feel like I'm not enough to face this. I am not enough. That's all I hear every day. If it's not in those exact words it's something else, I'm just not enough. 

I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to be happy forever. I can't live and pretend I'm not mad. I can't go on for the world and what's the point when I know what the world has told me. 

I'M. NOT. ENOUGH. 

Sometimes, I don't even want to get better. What is getting better? Truly? What is the point of getting better? So someone can come and shit on my "happy" life again? What is the point of anything? Why is there a heaven and hell? Why is there black and white? Why is there men and women? Why is there love and hate? Why?

Why do we have to live? Why do we have to die? Why does anything exist? Why would anyone make a world knowing there will self pity, hate, and depression? 

Is it so we can live in it depressed and watch the rest be happy? Is this hell? Is this what we deserve? Why? Why is there just so much pain? Why don't I want to get better sometimes. 

Days where I can lay in my bed and cry blasting lil peep until I die. I want to die. I can't do this anymore. I have no more fight. I have no more emotional fight left in me. I don't want to hear any advice and I don't want to drag anyone else down. Just let me die because I am simply not enough. 

I am not smart enough for my teachers. I am not pretty enough for men. I am not responsible enough for my parents. I am not tall enough for the model agencies. I am not thick enough for the instagram pictures. I am not funny enough for the jokesters. I am not caring enough for my friends. I am not happy enough for the world. I am not enough, I say again. 

Let me die. Let me die. Let me die! You don't care...

You only care because it will look bad on your resume if you let me die...because you are enough for the world. You are brave enough, You are bold enough, You are pretty enough. You are meant for the world. Born with all the right parts and I am the opposite. I am an observer; to see what I can never be. What I don't want to be anymore because...

I

AM

NOT

ENOUGH

Love, 

Alena(I'm okay)