Little Dreams

Sleepless nights

When you want to know everything about a person it becomes like a mission almost. You want to know what makes them tick or when their birthday is. Even what type of weather they prefer to live in. But with all the effort you put into this one person how do you know if they want the same as you or if they are even on the same wavelength as you.

To talk about the future is so scary especially with someone new who knows close to nothing about your inner thoughts besides the most basic like your favorite color. I want a family and kids and a husband that's going to treat me right. I want as many kids as I can have which makes me crazy but this is me. How are you supposed to show all sides of this spontaneous and amazing personality that you have if the other person has no interest. Or the only interest they have is not your mind but your body.

They don't see what makes you happy or the scars that line your body. Let me correct myself beauty marks that show the battles and hardships you faced and survived through. There is no such thing as an ugly scar. Only the way you look at it will make it ugly.

Starting over freaks me out. I'm a closed and reserved person that sometimes shares too much when nervous. I'm a big cry baby and very sensitive all year round. I yell but I don't like being yelled at. I'm submissive and I've gone through things no one knows about.

But this boy.......

He is the first guy that I'm willing to let in after so long but I feel like he's just playing me and it probably makes me really stupid but I want to make us work. He doesn't answer his phone. He only texts me at unholy hours of the day and we have only met up once to sit in my car and talk. I feel like he already has a girlfriend but he swears up and down he doesn't.

If he doesn't treat me as priority from the beginning then how's it going to be when we do date if that happens.  I'm probably overreacting and being a drama queen but that is me. I'm high maintenance and I overthink every little detail.

I want to be loved and treated like the princess that I am. I deserve a pedestal and to be spoiled every second of every day. In return I'll treat him the same. It's not only one sided. But don't use and abuse the power you have over me or use my emotions against me. 

Yesterday I met up with this boy and it was good but I ruined it.  I honestly did because with my friends I'm everyone's child. So overprotective is literally the name of our group chat. I told them about him and they all told me the same thing. That he's manipulative and uses people to get what he wants. I took it with a grain of salt and brushed it off. They mean well but I want to be able to find it out on my own. That's the only way I'll learn but I wanted to know if it was true so I asked him.

He got mad about it which made me upset. I shut down when people are mad at me or I make someone upset. He told me he didn't do that and that they were just talking bad. That he was harmless and he would never do anything to hurt me. I wanted to believe him but something told me not to trust what he said. Today he's just left me on open and it bothers me.

Conversations were always dry but he could be sweet and always made me laugh when we called. I don't know how to take it because I do miss talking to him but I don't want to be the only one putting effort into this relationship or whatever there is between us. 

Maybe I dodged a bullet.......