XueXiao Drabbles Collection

What he wants

What he wants....

Another failure, somehow Xueyang is too used to it that he doesn't bother anymore. The longing he feels deep down, to be able to hold that person in his arms as he did years ago, rather than fading out, it grows stronger.

The twisted fate he accidentally stepped on, strangle him, tearing him apart, if not because of the gentleness of that person, who knows what would happen to him now. Cursing every God exists in this world, begging them to bring that person back, he did both relentlessly, until one day he gave up and decided to trust nobody.

After all, the one he came to trust, ended his own life.

What he wants was....

What he wants is something impossible to grant, but Xueyang with his tangled mind is unable to accept it. He doesn't have enough heart to let go of that person's hand. He already loses it to admit the cruelty of his bumpy fate.

"Xiao Xingchen..." He talks to the small pouch in his palm, "Just how much longer you plan to keep on sleeping?"

His voice is thick of helplessness. He doesn't voice out everything swirling inside his mind no matter how noisy it is. The sleepless night he went through, the forgotten seasons, the lonely days, everything which turned gray and monotone the moment that white robe stopped fluttering. He misses that too much.

He already regrets much.

The night feels particularly cold. Aside from the small pouch in his palm, there's only a big wooden coffin in front of him. The lid is open. Inside is a body of someone in a white-clad, with eyes covered by thin cloth, holding a horsetail whisk in his arms. The man sleeping peacefully seems properly maintained and clean, despite the pale color showing this body has no soul lingering.

Xueyang's hand on the edge of the coffin, despite his eyes are not looking at the one resting, his mind is being filled by the thought of that person. The days when he can openly laugh and smile, to genuinely think that the world isn't that bad, he started to wonder if everything was a dream. The moment Xiao Xingchen lies there unmoving, the dull gray which was his daily sight returning. Or maybe.... Everything was an illusion created by Xiao Xingchen for him? The gentleness of Xiao Xingchen has surely made him feeling pity.

For someone like Xueyang, there should be nothing to fear. The trauma he experienced for too long has helped him grow this way; ruthless, heartless. Merciless. Yet as his hand touches the cold skin, feeling the vessel devoid any warmth he once came to love, his whole being shivers. It scares him, it drowns him in regret. It makes him cowers to think he has to spend the rest of his life regretting his actions which led to Xiao Xingchen ended his own life.

He only wants to teach Xiao Xingchen a little, to give him a lesson, to tell Xiao Xingchen not to mess with him. He didn't think the table turned so wrong. He didn't think he'll lose that flicker of light. He didn't think he'll lose the warmth he came to love. He still loves. He misses it. He wants to feel it one more time.

"If...." His voice trembles, "If I get rid of these inner demons...."

Will you forgive me?

Xueyang lowers his head. He doesn't have the courage to voices out the last sentence. Redemption, forgiveness, he knows nothing of it. All the strange things he feels the moment Xiao Xingchen lost his life is something foreign, something he never experiences.

"I determined to let you go. I really am."

But the coldness of your skin touches mine haunts me too much

Years passing without much difference in his searching. Yet Xueyang doesn't give up. Spending those lonely moments by himself, Xueyang bounds to mature in a twisted way. He realized he no longer has the chance to turn a new leaf, or whatever people call it.

Back then he was still a kid, a little brat who was too conceited thanks to how badly handled he was by the harsh reality. He had his own share of regret, being played by the bumpy fate, to desperately waiting for the chance to relive himself after losing Xiao Xingchen. The him back then who couldn't tell the difference between good and evil, is now mature enough to know and acts accordingly. Just, he chose to side with the evil.

Xueyang instinctively reaches his pocket, took out a small package from inside. He stares down at the crumpled ball, doesn't even need to look to tell the candy inside is no longer edible. No, he doesn't want to eat it, even. The last bit of candy he ever received from Xiao Xingchen is his last string of hope, the tiny bit of his leverage to stop him from turning insane.

"Was it fun?"

"Yes. Of course it was fun."

"Staying with me for all these years, just what exactly are you planning?"

"Who knows? Maybe I was just bored."

Xueyang's eyes turned dark. His mind desperately looking for something in the memories he had, doesn't care if he ended up trapped in the past longer than he intended to. Xiao Xingchen lived in the past, then what can he do? Accepting the fact that he is already ascended to heaven, is it not enough?

He regrets it all this time, is it not enough?

"Xueyang.... You really are.... Too disgusting...."

He puts back the spoiled candy to his pocket. Eyes closed, trying to forget the things Xiao Xingchen said to him in his last moments before they clashed. The uncomfortable tingle still the same, still as painful stabbing his heart.

If God really does pity all folks, then why did he turn a blind eye to us?

He turns around, staring at the thick mist hindering anything to be seen. In the lonely city where he and Xiao Xingchen first met, now there's no trace of that flicker of light he unconsciously followed and hold. He curses Xiao Xingchen for ending his life, curses himself for being the cause, curses everyone else for turning him into a monster, curses the God for turning away from his desperate prayer. What else he had left? That single, crushed candy is the only thing in his hand, as even Xiao Xingchen's body couldn't return his grip as he entwines their fingers.

Who was it? Who was the one gifted him this cruel karma?

"Xiao Xingchen..." Xue walks towards that small hut, opening the coffin and traces Xiao Xingchen's cold cheek, "I already understand. Fate is cruel, even towards you. I don't question, no longer grieving, no longer asking. I just want to relive my life, my only hope to be freed from this destiny and starting all over again. With you. For you."

Xueyang sits down next to the coffin, rests his head on its wooden surface. His face is an image of regret and self-blaming, as if waiting for something to liberate his soul, his body, his spirit, his whole being. Deep down, he envies Xiao Xingchen. Compared to Xiao Xingchen who already ascended to heaven, he is still wondering between separation in life and death, a sentenced much crueler than death itself. It tortures him to no end.

He knows he and Xiao XIngchen never meant to be together. He himself never think of such a thing. His younger self which only knows how to destroy only wanted to make Xiao Xingchen understand the pain he went through. As time passed, watching Xiao Xingchen's body rests in silence, the confusion hit him hard. Just what was it that he tried to convey?

"If I get rid of these inner demons, would you forgive me?"

His younger self didn't know. He had no idea about the concent of a peaceful life. The false sense of warmth Xiao Xingchen showed to him, something Xiao Xingchen gives to any soul without exception, was the thing he forcibly yearned for, obsessed for. Despite knowing it would end soon, he still wishes for the moment to last for eternity.

What he wants...

Is a peaceful life that would never come true.

He is forever cursed for wanting the same peace as any other soul would.

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