P A I N

second year

another year, where the hell are you?
why am i still single?

gosh, i cannot explain to you how i got so close with Ally this year but basically she asked me to be her deskmate and i slowly just said "sure i'd love to" because apparently i never knew she hated me last year?

so i was stucked with her for a few months or so. she told me how this one group of friends talked about me 'sometimes'. she claimed that they kinda hated me for being so distant in the class with Lily last year. i was kind of being distant because i was shy?

why can't people understand that it takes a hundred days for me to actually talk to a single person? it's not because i hate them and to be honest i never did, i just don't know how to start a friendly conversation with someone and actually make a friend that fast.

this group of friends were Princess, Linda, Rina, Julia and Nia. to be honest, i don't know much about them but i was pretty close with Rina, Princess and Nia once but like i said, i fought with Princess because she annoyed me most of the time there and Rina and Nia were best friends since primary and i was not that close anymore when i found my best friends, Fie, Fifi and Aty which moved to another school without me :(

so basically i was left with some of my non-close but once-close friends there and being someone with a little bit of "social anxiety" is very damn hard and this is my first getting judged for being something i can't even control.

that year, Lily changed class. she was in second class, Beta and i was in first class, Alpha. sucks. Ally was the first person to approach me on first day of school that year and i can't say "no" but i have to admit she was a nice friend except i just don't feel like i fit in with her other friends.

we got close and close and close and then i got close with Lily again, that's when i told her that i don't think i fit in being friends with Ally.
Lily always supported me, she helped me getting through everything at that time until to the point i was never close to my own classmates and i realized how i never fit in with that class. they're just so much better than me. they're all so nice, smart and very happy people that were never me. i was the lonely, sad, depressed and fake classmate.

Lily made me become friends with her clique. i was okay with them. they were kinda nice too but A LOT OF DRAMAS. they started a lot of fights with Nia and Rina for whatever reasons there are.

i told them "i'm never taking sides in any fight you guys have" and that's just me always, the neutral one, the one that doesn't give a fuck about these fights. waste of tiiiimeeee

that year, i was stressed with so many things.
friends is one. next, my own family.

after my dad got married to my stepmother, everything's just turned black in that house. a lot of screams, tears and just plain empty house with no laughters nor smiles. we were happy sometimes but most of the time i wasn't that happy. i was only happy to be in that temporary happiness seeing my family, knowing they actually feel the same as me. it's hard for everyone in that house.

my dad barely come home. he comes home every 2 days but sometimes 3,4 and idk, i was kind of fatherless since i was a kid. i don't even know i actually knew father love exists.

he gets married with another woman, which my mom claimed to be a prostitute when i was less than 1 year old. he used to come back to the house drunk and my mom used to be the only one working in the house getting everything fixed and handled.