A Poetry Journal of a High School Girl

The hurt

Your sloppy kisses

Which I had hated at the time

Are what I miss the most

The laughter that escaped your mouth and warmed mine

Was comforting as though sitting next to a roaring fire

A wildfire

Rushing through the forest

Destroying all reason and everything in its path

But when it is over there is room for growth

The ashes will fertilize the earth

For a new set of trees

Now it is overgrown and there is no fire to tame it

When we start out

we feel so happy and blissful,

The rush of something new is coursing through our blood and we can't get enough of each other.

Our hands are a little too wondering,

Our mouths a little red.

Our voices are rough from the late night talks.

The car rides never a dull.

We never felt awkward because we both were already.

You may not believe me now but I did love you.

Happily ever after

The words I have fallen in love with

At a young age

From the beginning

I just loved the idea of love

It blinded me from what was actually

Going on

You were my first actual love, but I was weak.

I am broken underneath that smile you see everyday

You may distract me from that but,

It doesn't change that it's there.

I am a broken doll

The one you beg like your life depended on it

For your grandma to fix

But she says it's unfixable

I cannot be fixed

I gave into my broken parts, I gave into my past pains.

My paranoia that nobody could love and stay for me got the best of me.

You gave no sign of leaving me

but with every twist and turn on the road of our relationship

I grew a paranoia that you would tuck and roll out of the car.

I couldn't believe that I was good enough.

Because I was weak to my darkness I let it corrupt my love and I grew

Annoyance.

You smiled I saw lies.

You laugh I heard mockery.

You kissed me I felt yours on other.

I felt as though I had fallen into a pit of shadows.

And I knew I had allowed that to happen and I tried to fix it so badly,

but I couldn't while I was with you and I couldn't express what was happening when I ended it.

But I needed you to believe it was a permanent ending for myself to focus and fix.

But because it hurt me to let you go I bounced to someone new

that I couldn't care for as much as I had for you.

Is it wrong that I bounced?

Then to believe the one you love the most

Will never feel the same?

Is it wrong when the new gives you attention

You latch onto them like a leech

Unconsciously using that relationship to get over the other?

Is it wrong to end it with the second

Because you can't get over the first?

Is it wrong to fall all over the first again after you've hurt the second?

Was it wrong to hope the second would

Outweigh the first if given the chance?

Is it wrong to want to get over a person?

Am I in the wrong?

I've made some mistakes

I've given up too easily

I've hurt some people

I fear feelings are not mutual anymore

So I will have to tuck away these feelings that are growing

So we can be just friends

I rather be friends then get hurt or

Have you feel awkward ever talking to me again

I rather be at your wedding as a friend than not be there at all

This doesn't mean if something happens

I'll push it away,

But I will bury these feelings like a bone in the backyard,

Where it cannot breath and cannot be seen

Where only I know it's there,

I'll pour concrete over it as I put on a stone face, a mask

So no one could dig for it

I will break the connection until it has decomposed and even I can no longer find it intact

Commitment issues

I literally write poetry

Because I can never finish a story

Once it gets too hard to continue

It's gone and I have no inspiration

Poetry starts and ends normally on the same page

It expresses what I'm saying

In a short amount of time

And then it's over, gone

But it's not

It festers inside hoping for someone to notice

Thoughts rush through my head

Slipping through my grasp before I can even comprehend

When you forget to put pen to paper

You begin to end

I leave pages behind hoping you pick them up

They're all about you

It's crazy how you can feel like you're yelling your thoughts

Yet no one can hear you

Now

You've have accepted my hand in friendship and

I couldn't be happier to have at least

A small part of you