Beautifully Insane

XVIII. Isaiah

~

Max's face lights up as I pull into the lot of the carnival and I start to get excited too. I figured that going to a carnival would be fun and feel less like a date. I didn't want her to feel pressured to act a certain way just because we're on a date. Something tells me that she hasn't been to a carnival in awhile because of the way her eyes widen at the sight of everything.

I park the car and open the door for her. I take her hand and she hesitates but then grabs it. Her hand is soft and I never wanna let go, but we get to the ticket booth so I have to. When we walk in I look around at everything. I haven't been to a local fair like this since I was a kid, and memories are flooding in. Memories of lights glistening in the sky from the huge ferries wheel.

Memories of distance screams from rides, of holding my mom's hand with an icecream cone in the other, and even memories of laughing with my dad. Those were more innocent times when everything was just right.

I ask Max what should we do first and she grabs my hand and pulls me toward the swings. This used to be my favorite ride as a kid and I still enjoy it. As were waiting in line I ask Max, "so did I surprise you?" She looks at me and says, "yea you actually did, I didn't even know there was a fair in town." She smiles at me and my heart skips a beat.

Her smile makes me nervous, the good kind of nervous. When it's our turn she gets in the front swing while I go to the one behind her. She turns around at me and smiles again. I can get used to her smile. The ride starts and my adrenaline picks up as I feel the cool night air blowing on my face. I can hear Max's laughter and it puts a smile on my face. Is this what it feels like to live? I haven't felt that in so long I forgot what it is.

For the next 20 minutes we go on ride after ride and I can see Max is happy. Her happiness makes me happy and I can feel myself changing when I'm around her. Is this what love is? How can I even love her when this is only our first date? I wipe those thoughts from my mind as we go to sit down with our food.

"Hmmm looks good," she says while looking at her hotdog and fries. I just got chicken tenders and fries because I'm a picky eater. "Does this mean were done with rides," I ask her. She nods her head while taking a bite of her hotdog. "I wanna try playing some games, and I hope you brought a lot of cash. I'm not leaving without one of those giant ass stuffed animals."

I chuckle at her words and say, "you deserve nothing less than the giant ass stuffed animals." She smiles at me and I smile back. "That's not your real smile is it?" Her question catches me off guard and I look up at her. I finish chewing and ask, "what do you mean?" She looks at me and then down at her food and back at me.

"I don't know, I can just tell you don't give genuine smiles," she says. I don't know what to say to that so I just stare at her for what feels like minutes, but was probably just a few seconds. I give fake smiles as a defense mechanism. My body just naturally does it I guess. I'm so used to hiding my emotions so I won't get hurt, that it just became apart of me.

"Your right, I give fake smiles to hide my real emotions. I build up walls to protect myself. I don't let people see the real me, and I'm sorry for that. I don't wanna give you fake smiles, I just-," she interrupts me by putting her hand on my arm. I look down at her hand and then back at her. Her touch is soft but forceful. I don't want her to let go.

"You don't have to explain, and you don't have to apologize either. All I ask is that you let me see the real you and I'll do the same. So will you let me?" She looks me right in the eyes and I can tell that she understands. I nod my head and say, "y-yes." She smiles at me and then let's go of my arm to continue eating.