Searching for Love

Chapter 18

Cindy and I stare at the letter on my bed. A letter for me. From my dad. I notice my hands shaking. I lean down to grab the envelope, but my legs give way and I fall to the ground. The tears start to fall and I start sobbing. Crying more than I ever had before. Cindy sits down on the floor next to me. She pulls me into her arms and holds me tight. And then she starts crying.

We both sit here and cry. We cry for our sanity; something that was lost a long time ago. Sometimes it haunts us. Right now it haunts us. And we let it win. It’s taken over us right now. Our sanity (or lack of it) has ruined us. And the worst part is, we let it ruin us.

           

I fall asleep thinking. Thinking of Brandon. Thinking of my dad. Thinking of life. But mostly, thinking of Cindy and me. All we’ve been through; all we’ve done. We’ve completely lost our sanity. Maybe that’s why we’re so good together. Two dysfunctional wackos under one roof; but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Waking up at 6 AM sucks. Yet another day to get bullied. Having Brandon there helps a ton, but even he can’t take away the pain of high school. I hear the kids. They don’t bother saying things behind my back anymore; they’ve moved up to face-to-face. Every comment stings; just like the pain of a fresh, clean cut. But that’s in the past now. Although I will admit that I’ve had more urges now than ever. Hmm. Better take care of that.

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(Flashback Sequence)

            I could never explain the high that I felt. Sort of like freedom and misery. But God, did it feel good. For several hours, I floated around my room in ecstasy. Then the dizziness and nausea hit. I laid down in my bed and fell asleep wanting to cry, but no more tears were left.

 

            I woke up the next morning head pounding and eyes bloodshot. I thought of the day and night before and what I had done. Trying to sit up, I hurled all over my floor and my bed. The smell made me throw up even more and my limp body collapsed to the floor.

 

            What happened to my life? What was I doing? A vicious cycle had taken over my every part and no matter how much I tried, the waves kept pulling me under, head over heels deeper and deeper into the depths of the dark.

 

            But maybe that’s what I needed. I needed to feel the pressure. I needed to feel the sting of the cold. I needed to see the darkness. I needed to implode.

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