Loving Sugar

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

The cell was neither small nor large for a cell. It was my first time being on the enclosed side of the bars and I now understand why many people lost their minds, the three solid walls were plain, the bed metal with no sharp edges or crevices, the sheets were a plain white with the main blanket an indescribable shade of blue with one single pillow. On the other side was a small mirror over a metal sink and beside it a matching toilet without a seat then, a single shelf complete metal and empty, the room was full yet felt hollow.

My second set of clothes were on the end of the cot and as I sat against the bed. My head in my hands knowing that I found myself understanding situations where people took drastic measures, why inmates took their own lives. This was no life, twenty three hours a day in a cell, no sunlight, no outside contact, no hope, no life. One hour spent outside the cell under intense scrutiny that a man couldn't readjust with someone seeing it.

Three walls broke you while the reinforced door let you know you were in a cage, like an animal. I was no animal, no killer, no rapist, I was a good man. A stupid man who loved the wrong woman.

My eyes closed and I could see her, smiling at me, speaking to me. All of my time staring at her embedded her deep in my mind. I could recall the smallest of details about her, from her smile to her laugh and the way her eyes looked when they met mine.

Her voice whispering in my ears as if she was really here with me. I could almost feel her touch, her small hands running all over me, her lips pressing against mine. Then, it was all snatched away from me as I lost my concentration. The sounds of loud voices arguing down the hall traveled into the confines of my mind where she was present. My eyes slowly opening and an almost inaudible groan leaving my throat.

I couldn't be with her, to touch her, see her, kiss her, and the peace I did have with her within my own mind was ruined because I couldn't focus on her. Anger began to rise at the notion of my own mind not even being excluded from this hell hole of a place.

Today was day one hundred and fifty two of my thirteen year sentence, the tally's on my bed frame reminding me each day. I knew by the sound of footsteps that it was breakfast time, soon a tray would be slid through the slot and a guard would return to pick up the tray in 45 minutes. Everyday started the same and ended the same, never changing.

"Inmate 7347 stand!" The voice yelled from the hall, I rose to my feet from my place on the floor and made my way to the slot in the reinforced door. My hands slipping through and my wrists bound in cuffs, the door slid open and I stood in the corner of the room as the guard searched my cell. I wasn't sure what he was searching for but I didn't have anything. He pulled the sheets off the mattress and pulled the frame from the wall, he searched all around then turned to me with a hard stare. Watching me for a second before speaking, "Clean up."

He stepped out and the door was shut as I stood on the inside ready to slide my hands through the slot once again. The cuffs were removed and I got to work on returning my cell to its normal tidiness. Soon it was all back to normal and I took my place back on the floor, I reached for my notepad and pen and resumed writing.

I was trying to figure out how I had gotten here, how I became a convicted felon and locked in a cage. My first few days I blamed everyone, then I blamed myself and now my mind was clear and I began retracing events and writing it all down. It kept me busy during the day and out of trouble out in the yard, all while keeping my mind sane.

I remembered the good and bad times but also some of the best moments, moments I relived as I wrote them down and then each time I reread them at night. I had originally began when I moved into town but I soon realized my life had begun to spiral after I had met my woman. I quickly became addicted to her and blinded to the outside world the more time I spent with her. I flipped to the first page and started to read, slowly making sure every detail was correct before moving forward.

My first encounter with Remi was not a real interaction, I had seen her move in a few houses down from me. The moving truck parked out front and the for sale sign that had recently been crossed out and replaced with 'SOLD' told the whole story just not hers. I was cutting my grass out front and occasionally glanced over towards the truck as she removed items, making sure she did not need any help. I did not see anyone else and hopped she did not have any large furniture to move.

I could see her long hair that she tied up and her small body. She was small yet she was not skinny, her face from what I could see at a distance was beautiful. I knew her smile was pretty from the one time she caught me watching and sent me a smile and wave that I couldn't help but return. After a handful of boxes and small items she closed up the truck and went inside. I had finished not too long afterwards and cleaned up inside before calling it a day.

When I layed in bed I could see her smile and it was the first sign that I would soon become addicted to the woman. The way she gripped my mind without even speaking to me yet made me feel disgusted and I felt like a creep, fantasizing about a woman that has not spared a second glance at me.

The next morning was our first real interaction, I was making my rounds at the school when I saw her wandering around.

"Are you lost?" I asked walking up towards her, her eyes surprised me with the kindness that I found in them. She was taller than I thought, she stood almost a hole foot beneath me, my tall frame towering over her. "I was given directions to my classroom but I think I took a wrong turn somewhere."

I smiled at her kind eyes, "Where are you supposed to be?" Her smile slapped me back in the face at its brightness.

"Room 225. I'm Remi." Her hand shot out to shake mine and I placed my hand into hers. Her hand neither too soft nor rough, I removed my hand and scolded myself for wanting to touch her again.

"My name is Lake, I do maintenance here on my days off. I'll be happy to show you the way if you'd like." Her body shifted letting me know to lead the way and I had to actually pull my eyes from hers. I led the way down the hall she came from making the route as simple as possible for her. I could feel her presence behind me, her footsteps following mine with purpose.

In my mind I was again yelling at myself for not being able to separate my thoughts from reality as I pictured her naked when I got a good look at her body. My other head thinking before my actual one could process how I was acting for a single woman.

She broke the silence first, "This is probably overstepping our new acquaintanceship but I saw you cutting your grass yesterday and I wanted to ask how much you would charge to cut my yard. The curb appeal is not the best and I don't have anything to do it myself or anyone around here to call." I glanced at her briefly as I opened the classroom door for her, trying to keep myself from staring I kept my eyes on the floor.

She smelled sweet and it wasn't overpowering yet I craved to smell more, again I was thinking like a creep.

She waited for me to answer, I could feel her watching me pull my keys from the door. When my eyes met hers she smiled and looked away as if I did not catch her staring.

"It would really be no problem, I can stop by later today to cut it." She said a quick 'thank you' as I stepped back into the hallway to make my way out of the school. The first thing I did when I got home was cut her grass and leave a note that I did not want money, I only left my number in case she needed anything. At least that's what I told myself then.

After our first meeting I should have known I was going to fall as hard as I ended up doing. Actually it's really me slowly forming an unhealthy addiction to her. From the start she had me exactly where she wanted me. I could not say 'no' to her and it was the very beginning of my life ending as I knew it.