Loving Sugar

TEMPTATIONS OF ADDICTION

Day one hundred and sixty,

It was a particularly cold day in my cell. Breakfast came at the same time as usual and I sat on the floor next to my bed, this time I tried my hardest to not think of her.

I closed my eyes to complete darkness, that was a good sign. I breathed in slowly then released at the same pace. I repeated my breathing and for a few minutes there was nothing. No sound other than my breathing, this was boring.

Fuck it, I give up. I grabbed my book from the shelf and opened to the next open page. Reading the last few sentences of the previous entry I picked up right where I had left off. My pen moving across the page with meticulous strokes my mind rewinding and playing it all back for me like my own personal movie.

I could remember staying close to my phone incase she decided to contact me, sadly it didn't happen and when a few weeks went by with no contact I had lost all hope of anything happening between us. My mind wandering off as I closed up the gun range, letting people know we would be closing in the upcoming minutes.

After locking up the range and cleaning up all the trash left behind, I made my way into the office. The older gentleman had been more than willing to hire me when I first arrived in town, his age hindering his ability to handle as many customers and heavy lifting which I slowly took off his shoulders.

"It's all locked up sir." I spoke after knocking to let my presence be known. He turned to face me, the wrinkles on his face making his smile look brighter. He stood with the help of the arms on his chair and reached his hand out to me. I took it with no hesitation and smiled back at him.

"You heading over to the school?" He questioned, his voice always seemed to amaze me. It held knowledge and wisdom behind the kindness, like he always had a story for every situation.

"I am, Mrs. Hilda asked me to come by to fix a few things." The older woman was like a long lost aunt and I couldn't say no to her.

His smile widened, "You let her know that I love her okay?" It filled my heart with admiration, knowing I strived for a relationship like theirs, to be with someone for thirty-five years and still be as in love as the first few years.

"I'll let her know when I see her." With little else to say I made my way out of the store and to the school. It was a small town and all the students went to the same school from preschool to high school, the town was that small. I enjoyed it though, outsiders stuck out like sore thumbs and everyone just about knew everyone.

I felt safe enough to show my face but not safe enough to take the same route home every day. I was paranoid and I couldn't help it. It had become routine to constantly check over my shoulder, to watch my windows and doors, to put up security cameras and check everything twice a day. To never step too far away from a gun, to never go anywhere without one.

As my truck rumbled to a stop in a parking spot I checked all my mirrors and everywhere I could see before stepping out. My head constantly checking my surroundings, looking for anything or anyone that looked out of place or looked for too long. After clearing the area I shut the door and locked it once I was a few feet away, just incase I needed to rush back to it. My hands twitched to grasp my firearm as I tried to walk normally to the entrance, my body relaxing once I couldn't be seen from the road anymore.

With deep breaths I tried to calm my racing mind, my eyes found the sweet older woman waiting for me to adjust to the new environment, I scanned her then the room before moving forwards. Somehow, she never asked why I hesitated stepping into new territory, I think she knew in some way what I was doing and let me grasp everything before pulling me out of it.