Loving Sugar

BECOMING AN ADDICT

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One year, three hundred and sixty five days, in a reinforced cell. These walls were mine, every knick and scratch was mine. I kept it as clean as possible here so as to not drive myself crazy but it wasn't like I had much in here. I didn't need much other than some pencils and paper to add to the never ending journal that took up all of my time. The pages were all different, some folded and torn, others different types of paper and cut to fit the spine and be sealed tightly when my mind could no longer handle the flood of memories. Today was going to be different, I finally decided that I was going to see the therapist who made herself more than known when I first arrived. She constantly approached me in my first few months here, her soft and kind persona giving the appearance that she could be a friend, someone trustworthy here. I declined every time with a shake of my head and a prompt getaway, still she persisted with kind and gentle eyes, never assuming with her words but I could always see the silent wonder in her face as I stayed away from others. I first saw her face at my trial when I used to try and memorize the faces of everyone there, everyone that believed I was guilty. They had no reason to believe I was innocent, I mean I didn't even argue with the prosecution when they stated they wanted to pursue a life sentence.

Fuck, I deserved worse for letting myself fall into the same trap that I was taught specifically not to fall for.

She was there, watching me, never letting a judging look cross her face but instead pity, sympathy and sadness for me. Her face sometimes haunted me when I remembered how Sugar looked at me as she took the stand. When I couldn't stop myself from looking away from the piercing gaze of Remi, Ky was where I happened to glance to, someone who seemed to believe my innocence, someone who understood what I was going through specifically, Like they had lived it before and I think that was what kept me away from sessions with her. She might want answers that I don't have yet and I had no evidence other than my memories.

A week ago when I realized the anniversary was approaching, something in me changed in a split moment and on my way back to my cell after a shower I asked the guard for a session for today. I still wasn't sure I wanted to go and the idea of speaking to her about my feelings and my childhood didn't appeal to me.

I had no more time to think when the guard knocked on my cell and I stuck my hands through the slot for my cuffs. The cuffs were slapped on and the door opened, my ankle cuff and the chains to link them all together were put in place and hesitantly I began to walk, clutching my journal tightly.

I made eye contact with officer Kings and she gave me a small smile, "You're lucky you got today with Miss Ky, I heard she is only taking you today. The other inmates are upset that someone is getting special privileges." This confused me, I didn't think she would clear her other sessions today for me, why? Why would she do that?

My mind spun as we crossed the threshold and the lower cuffs were removed, it surprised me further that the handcuffs were removed and the guards exited and closed the door.

My eyes took in the room, inviting and cozy, unlike the rest of this brick shit of a place. She seemed to get nice couches and tables, with snacks and water in here and I applaud her for making it look like a piece of the real world. Ky had already greeted me, and I had just decided that I wasn't going to speak about myself per say. I seated myself far away from her and finally released the tight grip I had on my journal, its cover worn and the spine peeling off but it was my most prized possession. I glanced at her as I opened it and turned to the pages I had opened this morning. She would catch on eventually, she seemed like a smart woman, hopefully she would be able to use her skills and grasp what was going to happen.

She sat up straight and crossed her legs, her pen in her hand and sent a smile my way, it was supposed to be comforting I assume but it only made me more uncomfortable. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.