How It Came To Be// Two Become Three Book 2

I Won't Love her

The phone rang through the Sugg residence on Christmas day for, unusually for that particular day of the year, the fourth time. Graham, who was nearly though his dinner, stood to answer it, urging everyone to continue.

Joe's eyes followed his Dad's out of the room, wondering if his suspicions of who it might be on the other end would be correct. He patted his leg for his mobile and realised it wasn't there, only increasing the likelihood of it being who he suspected.

"How's the new flat then Joe?" His Auntie Gill asked.

"Yeah good, we're settled nicely. In a routine and stuff. I'll be back either tomorrow or the day after, depending on when Lou gets sick of her lot," Joe answered, trying to listen to hear what his dad was saying.

"I see, Gary was saying, a little girl?"

"Yes, a girl! Which if I'm honest with you, I wanted. I feel like I'd be better with a girl, plus Lou too," Joe answered, just as his dad came back into the room, holding the phone out to Joe. "For me?"

Graham nodded and Joe stood quickly and took it, holding it up to his ear, as he left the room to go into the sitting room.

"Hello?"

"Joseph, hi, it's Sandra," his best friend's mum said, sounding a little frantic.

"Hi Sandra, what can I do for you? Is Lou okay?" He answered calmly, though he knew that the knot in his stomach wasn't there for no reason.

"She was having a bit of a hard time today, I'm not too sure why. Anyway I sent her to have a lie down, you know I thought it would help her and G went to get her for dinner and she wasn't there, the car's gone. We've all been out looking we can't find her. We drove to the flat and her car's there but she's not. Do you know anywhere? Could you help?"

"Of course, you go back to the house, I'm sure I'll find her. She did this the other day, she was in a bit of a trance, I caught it before she left," Joe said, standing up, pulling his coat on, grabbing his car keys.

"Can you call me when you find her, even if you don't even bringing her back?" Sandra asked, sounding a little calmer.

"Course I can, I'll call on my number or on her's. I'll find her, you just chill."

"Thanks Joe," she said and hung up the phone. Joe stuck his head around the door, passing his Dad his phone.

"You off?"

"Yeah, sorry everyone, got a couple of things to sort out, I might be back later," Joe said, putting the phone, that he had just found on the sofa, into his back pocket.

The thatcher heard various forms of farewell, as he pulled his shoes on.

"Need any company?" Zoe asked, she was going to Alfie's later but if she left now it would be too soon. 

"Nah, I'm just going to find Louise, she's done a runner. Have fun at Alf's," Joe said, kissing her cheek.

"Just let one of us know if you need help Joe, with anything, won't you?"

"Course, bye," he shouted, as he stepped into the freezing air.

As he shuffled to his car, trying not to feel the cold, he hoped Louise hadn't been half dressed when she left but he couldn't know. He was prepared to find her half naked, half frozen somewhere.

"Abortion clinic first," he said to himself, as he drove away, not even waiting for his car to heat up.

When he pulled into the clinic he breathed a sigh of relief seeing a figure with long brown hair, outside of the door. He was certain it was Louise, the way she was holding herself was typical and he was pretty sure she'd be the only person having an moment at the doors to an abortion clinic on Christmas day.

Once he had sent Sandra a text saying he had found her, he, like the last time, got out and approached her slowly, not wanting to startle her.

"Lou, it's me, it's Joe," he said, approaching her slowly. She had no coat on and from what Joe could see she only had house slippers on.

"I need her gone, I want her out of me, I can't be a mum, I need her gone, I want her out of me, I can't be a mum," she repeated over and over again, pulling on the shut doors of the clinic.

"Louise, it's okay, come to the car, get warm," Joe said softly, trying not to scare her, taking her hand.

"Joe, I'm scared I can't be a mum," she said, suddenly hugging him tightly. Joe was surprised but held her tightly, rubbing her back. The feeling of relief washed over him, he had broken her out of the trance.

"You're okay, we can do this, you're going to be a fantastic mummy, you'll feel better when she comes, you'll be okay, come on, let's go and sit in the car," he repeated, kissing her head. Slowly he shuffled her over to the car and helped her get in. He locked it as he walked around to the other side, not wanting her to climb out.

"Hey, do you want a McDonald's?" Joe asked, as he turned the heat up. She was violently shivering and Joe took the new jacket he had got for out on the roofs off, putting it around her shoulders. Louise nodded and wiped her eyes. Joe watched her look down at the bump and rub it softly; something she didn't do very often.

"She keeps kicking," Louise said slowly, her words were disjointed and separated by long gaps but Joe was glad she had broken from the trance.

"Can I feel, I haven't seen you in a few days?" Joe asked, they had both chosen to go home for Christmas. They weren't a couple after all, just best friends.

"I'm sorry if I scared you," she said, once Joe had stopped at a traffic light, hand on Louise's bump. Her words were stringing together more now, the coherencey back.

"You did, but it's okay, do you remember what started it?" He asked, smiling when he felt his daughter kick his hand.

"I got baby stuff and it felt real, I got scared, what if I can't do this?" she said, hands going back to rubbing her bump.

"I'm going to be here supporting you always, when have I ever not been eh? You're my absolute best friend and just because I don't love you like that, doesn't mean I'm going anywhere, okay," Joe said, squeezing her leg.

"Aren't you scared Joe?" She asked, as they turned into the drive through.

"A bit, but we can do this, one day at a time okay," Joe said, leaning over to hug her tightly.

"I'm terrified I won't love her," Louise said, as Joe rolled the window down.

"5 mins sweetheart, and we'll talk about it," Joe said softly, holding her hand, as the person asked what he wanted. As he ordered, he noticed how tight Louise was holding his hand.

"So, you're scared you won't love her?" Joe said softly. They were pulled into the McDonald's carpark.

"Terrified. What if when she's born I don't have that rush that everyone is talking about? What if when I see her, I don't love her?" Her voice was shakey and when Joe looked at her face it was wet with tears.

Joe leaned over again and hugged her tightly, rubbing her back. "It'll work out love. It will."

"I can't live anymore, I don't feel happy. I feel worried and broken."

Joe sighed, as much as he was relieved to have found her he was also more worried. The way she was talking wasn't normal, even for the pregnancy. She wasn't right and he was beginning to get frustrated that no one was doing anything about it. He had spoken to the midwife, the GP, the pharmacist- anyone who would listen and they all reassured him that her mind would clear eventually.

Joe though, wasn't so sure.