Missing You Makes Me Angry

Irreplaceable

Buck slipped out of the grocery store parking lot, while everyone was busy doing the job he wished he could. His chest felt heavy and his mind was racing, pouring over every word Eddie had spat at him. Was he really so exhausting to his friends, the people he saw as family? To his best friend? He hadn't meant to be. The last few months had just been so hard, and he wanted things to go back to normal. But he never meant to be a burden to them all. God, he loved them.

By the time he got back to his apartment, he didn't bother with turning on lights or even making dinner. He just sat on the couch in the dark, with his head in his hands, scrutinizing every single interaction from the last few months. The lawsuit was new, but his pain and anger about his injury wasn't. Had he just been pissing everyone off all this time? Was that why Bobby hadn't wanted him to come back? Maybe none of them did. Chimney had defended him, but Chim was dating his sister.

The lawsuit was a waste of time anyway. He didn't want money. He didn't need it. He just wanted his family.

Tears streamed down his face and soon turned to sobs that shook his entire body. Now he would never get them back. He lost the only father figure he'd ever actually had and all his friends. He lost his best friend, who he had been slowly developing feelings for, and Christopher— oh, God, Christopher. He would never see Christopher again. He had no one.

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A pounding on his front door jolted him off the couch, where he'd cried himself into a fitful sleep. The TV clock shined brightly in the darkness informing him that it was after midnight.

The pounding knock on the door stopped, then started again with barely enough time for him to get his bearings. "I'm coming!" he shouted, stumbling to the door and wrenching it open.

He stared at the person leaning in his doorway with a slack jaw. He definitely wasn't expecting to see Eddie, mostly because of what happened at the grocery store, but also because he hadn't gotten the chance to tell the team that the lawsuit was basically finished.

He took a step back as Eddie stepped into his space. "Eddie, what are you doing here?" He asked softly, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Eddie scoffed, pushing his way into the apartment. Buck stepped out of the way easily, slipping the door closed behind them. He hadn't been this close to Eddie in weeks, other than during the hearing and the grocery store. God, he missed him.

"I was interrupted earlier, and I'm not done." Eddie gritted out with a glare, arms crossed against his chest.

Buck nodded but said nothing. He just waited for the assault of insults and hate that was sure to follow.

Eddie took a deep breath, before starting to rant angrily. "You're so selfish. My God, Buck. Did you even think? Christopher was having nightmares every single night, screaming out for his mother or for you. Not me. You. But I couldn't even call you to help him because you abandoned us." He said the last bit with an accusatory finger jabbed Buck's way.

"Eddie, no." Buck reached out for Eddie, who just stepped away from his hand. "I didn't. I couldn't. You guys are all I thought about. But this was the only way. Eddie, Bobby was blocking me from coming back."

"BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT READY!" Eddie roared, throwing up his hands in anger.

Buck flinched back. He knew Bobby didn't believe in him, but he never knew Eddie didn't either. "I am ready, Eddie," he whispered, refusing to look Eddie in the eyes.

Eddie slammed his hand on the counter, drawing Buck's eyes up to his face. "What if we're not ready? Did you think about that? What if Bobby was easing you in because we are so fucking afraid of losing you again? You are reckless on a good day, and he was afraid. Did you think of that before your stupid lawsuit? Because losing you terrifies me, and I know it scares the crap out of Cap. He already lost his children once and you are his kid, like it or not, Buck. I would wrap you in bubble wrap and never let you leave the house if I was him. Damn it, I still want to do that." He was breathing heavy by the end of his rant, eyes shining, practically vibrating with anger.

Buck stepped into Eddie's space, this time refusing to be pushed away, but Eddie didn't even move. Buck wanted to hug him but didn't want to be rejected, so instead, he placed a hand gently over Eddie's. "Eddie, I'm sorry that I haven't been here for you and Christopher, but I do worry about all of you every single day. You're out there without me watching your back, and you could get hurt. I don't care how good the new girl is. She isn't me, and that stresses me out. Carla or Maddie call me every day to tell me you're still alive, that there hasn't been an accident. That my family is still breathing. Every day. I need to be out there with you. I can't breathe every day that I'm not. Please try to understand that."

Eddie sighed heavily. "I'm trying, Evan. But it's hard when we can't even talk."

"Eddie," Buck laughed, smile not quite meeting his eyes. "What are we doing right now?"

Eddie just glared, but it was softer than before. "I'm yelling at you."

Buck stepped back, putting space between them once again. "We won't have to worry about the lawsuit anymore anyways. I talked to my lawyer earlier, that's why I was at the market. I knew it was shopping day, and I wanted to apologize for putting you guys through it for nothing."

"You lost?" Eddie asked in a careful, almost regretful tone.

Buck couldn't help but laugh sharply. "The opposite actually. I could be a millionaire, but they won't let me come back. I'm just dropping it all after the lawyer tries one more time to negotiate."

Eddie stared at him in disbelief. "They offered you a million dollars?"

"They offered me seven. Highest paid discrimination suit in the state, but I refused it. I don't want money, Eddie. This isn't about money. This is about being a firefighter, and being back with my family."

Eddie was silent for a few minutes. "We will always be your family, Buck. Money or not. Firefighter or not. Lawsuit or not."

"Yeah. Well, it's looking like not. On all accounts. But it's late, so do you have anymore yelling to do? Now would probably be the best time to do it. Unless you prefer to get the rest out in front of the others and my replacement." Buck shrugged nonchalantly, but he was praying for no more yelling. He would take it— take anything Eddie had to say, but he really just wanted to go back to sleep for a week.

Eddie's face had drained of most of the previous anger and he stared at Buck for a few moments, before finally replying. "No, I'm okay for now." Buck could tell there was more Eddie wanted to say, but he stayed silent as Eddie got up and crossed the space between them in two strides, before wrapping Buck in his arms tightly.

"I miss you, Evan," he murmured softly in Buck's ear. Buck melted into Eddie's embrace for a second, barely holding himself together.

But as quick as the hug started, it was over, and Eddie headed to the door. Buck wanted to make him stay so that he could stay in Eddie's arms forever, but he could barely hold back the tears threatening to slip down his face at the touch and the whine that caught in his throat when the heat of Eddie's body left him. There was no way he could ask for more.

Buck watched as Eddie stopped in the open door. "No one could ever replace you, Evan. Not ever."

The declaration rang out in the room, even after Eddie was long gone. When Buck finally shook himself out of a stupor, all he could do was drag himself up to bed, where he spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling replaying those words over and over. No one could ever replace you, Evan. No one could ever replace you, Evan. No one could ever replace you, Evan.

Notes:

Thank you to my Beta reader Httpstiles and my lovely friend Jecari, who listens to all my rants about my fics.