Never Truly Lost

Chapter 3

My first year here in Littlebrooke had been tough. I was still getting used to the town and how friendly everyone was being. But back then I didn't have a job to rely on, I only had Carrie. The days were long without her to distract me and to remind me how lucky I was to be alive. Even then, I appreciated just how much Carrie did without me asking for it. I trusted her. Not with everything, not just yet but I felt like she understood me and accepted me. I did try to give her little pieces of my story. The last thing that I need is for her to hear everything and to run the other way.

Carrie really was wild but I suppose that she had to let lose after working with those teenagers over at the high school. She told me stories about how they would talk back at her because she was one of the only teachers who wouldn't send them to the principal's office. And the pranks that they pulled! One of the funniest was when they snuck into some of the classes during the break and turned all the desks upside down and setting everything back onto the desks as though nothing was out of place. Another incident was when the class had started talking about the different teachers in front of her and a few other teachers. They used code names for the teachers and they didn't understand why she was laughing at them until she went up to one of them and whispered that she knew who the code names were referring to. She told me that she even told them that 'Sollie's' hair was actually a full wig and not just a rat's nest.

The first time that I opened up to Carrie happened quite soon after we met. It was about a week into our friendship. It was a Friday and Carrie had brought a bottle of wine for us to share. She saw the look on my face as I said no to the wine. I knew that it wasn't disgust but rather fear. 

"What? You don't drink or something?"

"No, it's not that. I mean, maybe but I don't anymore anyways." I was flustered. I turned to go into the kitchen to check on our supper. Carrie followed me.

"What is that supposed to mean?" She put the bottle down and faced me head on.

"It doesn't mean anything. I just don't drink, that's all."

"Tammy, I've known you for long enough to know that the problem isn't simply that you don't drink. So, as your friend, I want to know what you mean about not drinking anymore. Did you used to drink a lot? Did something happen?" 

I looked down at the wooden spoon in my hand and saw that my knuckles were white. Taking a deep breath I loosened my grip and put the spoon down so that I could look at Carrie. Then I started. "I know that I don't talk to you much about where I was before I moved to Littlebrooke. Thank you for not pestering me and making a big issue of it. I don't like to talk about it. Actually, I've never had to talk about it because people generally knew what had happened to me. I moved here to start over in a place where people didn't know about it."

Carrie's face softened. "Sweetie, I don't pester you because you are my friend. Whatever happened in your past has nothing to do with our friendship. If you were to do something now and it affected our friendship then I would pester you and make a big deal because it directly affects me but until that moment, your past has nothing to do with me. But you can tell me because I am your friend and because I care about you."

"I know that you do. It's just hard to talk about it. I had some trouble in my past and suffice to say that I have problems with alcohol, controlled substances, illegal drugs- everything, legal or not. It's pretty serious. I'm not even allowed to have painkillers. I moved to Littlebrooke because my therapist is close by and both the hospital and rehab center know about my problem." I looked down at the table, ashamed.

The silence stretched until Carrie eventually broke it. "So, you can't have any alcohol?"
"No. Because of what happened to me, the doctors aren't sure how my system will react to alcohol. It may have very little effect on me or it may cause a downward spiral. When they told me that, I decided that I wasn't even going to try. I made the decision to avoid alcohol and any type of drug. To just go cold turkey. Besides, I need to be in control of myself, my actions and my safety."